VIKES RECAP: THE PRESS CONFERENCE

By: B -- 11/8/05

So the Vikings won Sunday. It wasn’t too pretty, and hardly fun to watch, but they won and that’s (supposedly) all that matters. At the halfway point of the season the Vikings are 3-5, putting them on pace for a 6-10 season, which feels about right. With a competent coaching staff this Vikes squad could likely be on pace for a 10-6 or better, but as it stands the Queens will probably end the season with only a high pick in the upcoming draft as the lone positive note to the 2005 campaign. So it goes.

But for at least one Sunday, the Vikings comfortably won a football game, coasting to a 27-14 victory against the Detroit Lions. In an effort to provide my analysis of the game, I’ll reprint a transcript of the press conference I held in my head after Sunday’s game. I am a fascinating human being.

Hey B, love your site. First off, did the Vikings play well Sunday?

Tough to say, but if you ask me they were average at best. They held an impotent offense mostly at bay while taking advantage of two key turnovers – both of which were virtual gifts from Joey Harrington.

Against a piss-poor opponent like the Lions, it takes just a few big plays to build a lead, and after that it’s just maintenance. The Vikings were on the money end of those two game-changing plays; a fumble recovery and interception inside Detroit’s 20-yard line, promptly leading to 14 points. Those turnovers came in the second quarter and put the Vikes ahead 24-7. They didn’t play great in the second half, but again, they were playing the Lions so it didn’t much matter.

Due to a few great plays, the Vikings were granted an easy victory. Like I said, Sunday’s game was a gift. Thus, it’s difficult to gauge how well the Vikings play. Next question.

B, you’ve been an avid supporter of QB Daunte Culpepper, even during his struggles this season. Taking into account Sunday’s victory, do the Vikings miss Daunte Culpepper?

They didn’t on Sunday, but that doesn’t tell the entire story. Sunday’s contest didn’t require hardly anything from the QB position; just someone to steer the ship straight and avoid mistakes. In that capacity Brad Johnson played well – not great -- but so too would most quarterbacks in the league. Culpepper has thrived in similar games both this year (GB and NO), and throughout his career as well. The real test of a quality quarterback is if he can withhold pressure and come through in difficult games and situations. Johnson was asked of nothing in that capacity Sunday, compiling a paltry 136 passing yards.

In my view, the jury is out until next Sunday’s game against the New York Giants. As I’ve said numerous times before, I find it hard to believe this team is actually better with Johnson under the center. Absolutely no evidence – either statistics or logic – points to that theory making any sense whatsoever. But we’ll see. I’ve been wrong before.

However, there is one distinct advantage to having Brad Johnson at QB instead of Daunte Culpepper: we know what we’re getting with Johnson. He’s virtually immobile and has a mediocre arm, but he’s smart and isn’t likely to make too many mistakes. The Vikes can use that in their play-calling and overall game plan. With Daunte you never know. Sometimes he scrambles, sometimes he stubbornly stands in the pocket. He misses the open receivers and he’s prone to fumbling, but by breaking tackles and keeping the play alive, he keeps the Vikings in games they have no business being in. He is at once the Vikings biggest threat and biggest question mark, and that seems to drive some fans nuts. I think those fans are morons, but that’s just me talking.

What’s your prediction on the “over/under” on number of times Brad Johnson gets sacked next week against the Giants?

My guess is 5…and FYI, I would still take the “over.” It could get ugly.

What do you think about Mike Tice’s job performance?

That’s easy: he’s in over his head. He was promoted from a tight end coach to a head coach just because the owner of the team didn’t want to pay for someone qualified. It’s not so much Tice’s fault as it is McCombs’s.

That said, Tice is a horseshit head coach. Just awful. The Vikings are constantly unprepared and undisciplined, and he doesn’t seem to consider the strengths and weaknesses of his own team when creating a game plan.

Most struggling NFL coaches have found themselves in one of a few familiar quandaries: either they’ve lost control of the locker room, don’t jell with the owner or simply don’t have the right player personnel on their roster. Tice is not one of these coaches. He’s simply not any good. He seems like a nice enough guy, and I appreciate his candor with the media, but once he leaves the Vikings I have a hard time believing he’ll be hired in the same capacity for a long, long time. He is so obviously under-qualified. Again, I point the finger at McCombs on this one. Tice is doing the best he knows how, but unfortunately it’s not even close to enough.

Terrell Owens’ latest antics have gotten him indefinitely suspended from the Eagles. What are your thoughts on Owens?

I think he’s a saint. Just kidding. Calm down, Hartman, take your pills. Anyway, here’s the thing on TO: he clearly loves the spotlight. Almost every one of his actions is meticulously calculated to draw more attention his way. He’s like one of those girls in college who act overly drunk even though they’ve only had a few beers. Stay with me here, fellas. Some people have an insatiable desire for the limelight. And you know what you should do if you want TO – or the drunk girl – to stop being so annoying? You ignore them. So let’s try that route, mmkay? Because every time you talk and/or complain about them, they win. The more you know.

Hey B, Bob Sansavere here. Do you like my KQ92 morning show?

Oh, God no. It’s the worst; one of the few things that make me ashamed to be a Minnesotan. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for being such egomaniacal, self-righteous bigots. Except Stretch. That’s my dawg. Tell him I said whassup.

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