APPRENTICE 3: BEDAZZLE-FREE

By: B -- 4/28/05

Alex begins week 14 by morbidly sauntering back to the suite looking like he just buried his best friend. In terms of this show, he did, by weaseling his way out of getting fired and, in turn, giving the axe to his southerner pal Bren. He adopts a somber persona, saying that he is to be feared for his “nothing to lose” ‘tude.

The mission for the final four asks for each team to design and produce, with the help of a famous artist, an original Hanes 50th Anniversary commemorative t-shirt. Each team will sell its shirt at a Manhattan Scoop store.

Alex is allowed to choose a team member and predictably selects perpetual winner Tana. Craig flashes a fake smile at his decision, but Kendra lacks his composure and simply stares into space wearing a look of absolute terror. To the delight – or request – of the drama-loving show producers, Magna now consists solely of Kendra and Craig.

Net Worth’s team of clothing designer Tana and unabashed metrosexual Alex is the obvious favorite to win. They sketch a few designs to suggest to their artist (the allegedly famous Burton Morris) and, with Morris’ help, the result is an all-out clusterfuck. The design is a star containing an American flag, with wings, inside a jagged box.

Though the design is already too busy, Project Manager Tana decides the shirt needs to be further whored up. She demands that the team take the hour-long cab ride to Staten Island to purchase fake rhinestones to glue on to the shirt. The team sets their price point awfully high – over $40 for a short-sleeved shirt – and conducts no marketing for the sale.

Alex wonders aloud about the marketing, to which Tana responds with a polite blow-off. Alex openly questions the necessity of the Staten Island trip, but only in an interview and never to Tana. This is predictable weinerish behavior by Alex.

The two members of Team Magna bicker their way through the task. Project Manager Kendra consciously involves Craig in all the vital decisions, but he whines when his opinion/suggestion isn’t used. (Craig also claims that the team failed to cover a few significant points due to Kendra’s time-wasting, but when Kendra eagerly asks him to provide an example, he simply throws up his hands and says, “Well, they’re irrelevant now.” She continues to ask him what she’s forgotten, he continues to refuse to answer, and eventually my head explodes. But not before I hear Kendra refer to Craig as a “butthole.” Classic.)

Tensions aside, the team decides on a much simpler design (allowing their artist Romero Britto to start with a blank canvas) and a much lower price point ($25 for a t). Magna’s real stroke of genius, however, occurs when they advise Britto’s assistant to send an e-mail to the artist’s mailing list (3,000 people) of the one-day commemorative shirt sale.

The simple marketing tactic results in another Magna victory, meaning Craig has miraculously made it to the top three despite the use of a functioning brain.

In the boardroom, Trump quickly and correctly decides that the loss rests on the shoulders of Tana. Her decision for the Staten Island trip (a point shrewdly brought up by Alex) for a set of beads was unnecessary and inefficient. Tana also failed to spearhead the marketing aspect, which was the main reason for the loss.

When it looks apparent that Tana is going to be canned for her poor performance, Tana refers to her winning record compared to her cohort. Trump asks Alex his record as Project Manager, to which Alex responds with 1-1. Trump points out that Alex has actually lost twice as PM, and implausibly fires him for the blunder.

While Tana has been solid as anyone and owns a better winning percentage, Trump’s compulsive and unexpected firing of Alex smells like a ratings gimmick.

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