APPRENTICE 3: STEALING MY THURSDAYS NO MORE

By: B -- 5/19/05

The first ten minutes of The Apprentice finale are devoted to a summary of each of the previous tasks. The brief tour is an enjoyable one, touching on most of the memorable moments. Some were annoying: hippie Danny’s attempted catchphrase of “unbeLIEVable!”, Chris’ hilarious flip-outs, Wednesday Addams lookalike Erin’s immature wink at Trump, and Tana’s numerous embarrassing fashion choices.

We’re also reminded of the talented competitors who left the show a bit too soon: Tara, ousted for her PS2 gaffe, Angie and her unfortunate panic attack, and John, given the hook for his audacity to actually verbalize ideas. The two finalists, Kendra and Tana, are shown why they’re the top two; Tana for her infectious enthusiasm and Kendra for her unassuming intelligence and strategy.

The show introduces the live portion after the first commercial break. The set is designed as a courtroom, with Trump as the judge, his cohorts (George, Carolyn, Bill and Kelly) positioned next to him and the fired contestants as the jury. Kristen looks like a coked-up soccer mom with a few too many cosmetic operations. Her face is pulled so tight you can practically see an outline of her molars. Audrey, famous for inventing such words as “demeaningfulness,” is especially whored up, wearing a thick layer of circus makeup and a white blazer with an orange undershirt. Hello, Miami Vice!

If Kristen hails from the ‘burbs and Audrey is from Miami, Tana’s outfit hints at a recent stay at a lesbian boot camp. She’s showing off Cost Cutter layers and is wearing what appears to be an army green velour Members Only jacket. Not a good day to get dressed in the dark.

Since the NBC executives have decided to cap tonight’s episode at an hour, the live boardroom session feels rushed. Trump asks each candidate a few questions, but cuts them off mid-answer. He seeks out the opinions of a few fired contestants, but interrupts them just as quickly. The audience is scolded for rewarding a worthy point with applause.

Trump then gives season one winner Bill (who has suddenly and inexplicably grown teeth the size of postage stamps) a few minutes to speak, which he uses to tell Tana that she doesn’t bring out the best in others and therefore shouldn’t be the next Apprentice.

Trump cuts Tana off just as she begins to defend herself, giving her a wink while explaining that they need to cut to another commercial. The condescending ‘tude hints that he’s already made up his mind, and that this hour is dedicated to shits and/or giggles.

After the commercial, Trump unveils the two job opportunities within the Trump Organization for the next Apprentice. The winner can choose between managing the Miss Universe Pageant or renovating an enormous mansion in Palm Beach, FL. Trump constantly reminds us that both opportunities are yooge. Everything he does is yooge. (I’ll let you guess what each candidate chooses as their desired job.)

Only a few minutes of the finale are dedicated to grilling the finalists. Trump scolds Tana for her behavior during the Pontiac mission, and Tana’s subsequent reaction is so hilarious I actually burst out laughing. She leaps forward in her seat and passionately tells Trump that the shape of the brochure was her idea, and that the shape was the reason they won the task. It doesn't matter if she went to bed early! THE SHAPE was the most important aspect of that brochure! She DIDN’T GET ENOUGH CREDIT for her work! She feels very strongly about this!

Tana’s Chris-like outburst was punctuated by loud whoops while doing the Arsenio Hall circular fist pump. Swear to God.

Kendra calmly responds that there was a lot more to that the brochure than the shape -- pictures, layout, copy, and more -- but the moment clearly belongs to Tana’s unexpected eruption. It was quite possibly the funniest moment of the entire season.

With only a few minutes left in the show, The Donald begins his final decision speech by telling the finalists they are both winners.

Except Tana.

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