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By: B -- 2/21/06
Welcome to the first installment of B’s American Idol recaps. I’ve already pledged my allegiance to the spectacle that is Idol, so I’ve decided to park my ass on the couch throughout the season to report on the weekly goings on. (And you thought I couldn’t sink any lower.)
Tuesday’s episode (a full two hours) marked the first live installment from Hollywood. The judges have narrowed the field to 24 hopefuls, with the dozen divas set to perform (the fellers are scheduled the following day). The following is a recap of the female performances, in order.
Mandisa
No last name? Gutsy. Shouldn’t one be required to achieve some status of fame before making such a grandiose statement? Granted, I know no other Mandisas, but still. She sounds like a character from Greek mythology.
Mandisa sings a powerful, soulful version of Heart’s “We Can’t Go On” while wearing a red silky lingerie-type shirt under what appears to be a full-size curtain. She’s a big lady. And at 29, a bit old. But most importantly (I guess), she kicks ass on a song that almost makes me forget its ‘80s cheesiness. Almost.
Kelly Pickler
This 19-year-old blonde sings a song by Martina McBride (I forget the name) that's reportedly about sex. She dedicates it to her father, which would be creepy if she weren’t so naïve. The performance: flat and twitchy, full of frazzled nerves. Not even close to Carrie Underwood territory, y’all. I’ve heard better performances at karaoke bars. Unfortunately for my smitten roommate Spoon and the other creepy older men around the country, she’ll probably be sent home soon.
Becky O’Donohue
Gorgeous but a bit annoying, she acts like a sorority sister turned accountant, the 25-year-old going on 40. Becks chooses the 10,000 Maniacs’ awesome “Because the Night,” but essentially ravages it with her minimal range and oddly deep voice, marking the first time in my life I’ve ever actually wished to see the homely Merchant on stage.
Silver lining: Becky is probably the hottest female to ever grace the Idol stage. B likey. Curiously, immediately after Becky’s performance Spoon quickly excuses himself to his bedroom “to study,” even though he graduated over a year ago. Uncomfortable apartment silence ensues.
Ayla Brown
Poor Ayla. No doubt a cute gal, she’s forced to perform after two smoking hot chicas. Her performance of Christina Aguilera’s “Reflection” is solid even though the song was custom-made for elementary girl sleepovers. Ayla butchers one note but shows promise. An unrelated note: she appears to be about seven feet tall.
Paris Bennett
My favorite from the audition rounds, fyi. And tonight she’s got spunk -- Fantasia-esque -- as she brings down the house with “Midnight Train to Georgia.” Misses a few notes while dancing but no one seems to care. Including me.
Stevie Scott
Cute but always looks like she’s on the verge of puking. Decides to perform “Where You Are” by Josh Groban, whom she notes as a musical inspiration. This declaration makes me instantly hate her, which I admit is a bit unfair. Stevie’s performance is airy, falsetto and completely bland. She thinks she’s “original” but I think she’s “bad.”
Furthermore, I don’t think the show is dedicated to finding America’s Next Opera Singer. Idol contestants, a tip from me to you: when Paula gravely describes your performance as “brave,” you might want to start packing your bags. I will not miss Stevie when she’s gone.
Brenna Gethers
Needs to shut her face. She isn’t half the sparkplug she thinks she is. Brenna dedicates “You Are The Sunshine Of My Life” to her mama, which is awkward because she sexes it up a bit with dirty looks and suggestive hip shaking. Incestuous undertones aside, Brenna has no range, is out of her league and should be out of our life soon, forever. Quite an annoying loudmouth.
Heather Cox
Blonde! Cute! Not very talented! Sings a dull version of “When You Tell Me That You Love Me” originally by, um, Carrie Underwood? Don’t know and it doesn’t matter; Heather is bad and has a ceiling so low only Seacrest could stand up straight.
Seriously, dude’s tiny.
Melissa McGhee
Mel’s smoky, sultry voice – both speaking and singing – is hugely sexy. She belts out Faith Hill’s repulsive single “When The Lights Go Down,” which is pretty much all chorus. The song selection doesn’t allow for any range demonstration – all screaming, all the time -- but it was kinda-sorta good.
Lisa Tucker
Lisa’s the buzzworthy young lass who had America all hot and bothered during the audition rounds. She inexplicably decides to perform “I Am Changing” from Jennifer Holiday, a song I’d never had the misfortune of hearing before Lisa’s version. It’s all slow, over-the-top seduction; the song sounds like a forgotten solo from some shitty PG-rated off-Broadway musical about a burlesque show.
Lisa mostly meets the mood, save for a couple missed notes. Paula calls her a “special little gift” then mentions something about warming her heart. Brilliantly random. Welcome back, Batshit Paula! I greet you with open arms.
Kinnik Sky
Chooses to sing “Get Here” by Alita Adams. It is at this point I wish the judges would require the contestants choose songs from an approved list of popular tracks that the general public has actually heard. How am I supposed to know if Kinnik butchered a song I don't recognize?
Anyhowsers. Kinnik’s mouth is distractingly large; it appears as if she could swallow a mini-football. The song is some ridiculous ballad but Kinnik shows off a powerful, if unremarkable, voice. I could take her or leave her at this point.
Katharine McPhee
Love her. Sings “Since I Fell For You” by Barbara Fucking Streisand. Oy. Nevertheless, Katharine turns in the unequivocal best performance of the week, but dances like she’s a puppet and the man controlling the strings is having a seizure. She’s all goofy shoulder shrugs and offbeat hip thrusts. Tough to watch, but the voice absolutely killed. Spoon and I have hereby signed up for the KatPhee fan club.
Tonight’s best performances: 1) Katharine McPhee, 2) Mandisa, 3) Paris Bennett
Next show: the guys are set to perform Wednesday night.
TAKE ME TO THE TOP
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