American idol 5 -- episode 12

By: B -- 4/19/06

Here’s how I would’ve started out Tuesday night’s show if I had Seacrest’s job: “Trumping Barry Manilow as the most lesbian-looking male guest star this season: say hello to Rod Stewart!”

Yes, it’s true; Rod Stewart was Tuesday night’s guest star on American Idol. And though Stewart shares a physical resemblance to the man who “writes the songs that make the world puke sing,” my feelings at the start of this week’s show were opposite from Male Lesbian #1’s appearance.

I was dreading Barry Manilow Night until I learned the performers wouldn’t actually be forced to sing his lame songs. Tuesday, when I found out the competitors wouldn’t be singing Stewart originals, but in fact covers from his covers albums, I was a bit bummed.

I dig Stewart’s music. Should I be embarrassed by that confession? I don’t even know anymore. What I do know is I was looking forward to Taylor rocking “Ooh La La.” I was hoping Chris would choose “Stay With Me.” I couldn’t wait for Paris to belt out “Tonight’s The Night.”

I’ll admit it: I’m a Rod Stewart fan. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalog.

Good musician or not, Hot Legs Stewart is a worthless vocal coach. Every pre-performance clip featured Stewart offering empty observations or pseudo-advice in his raspy British accent. Really quite good actually, yes. Stewart was a high-energy bloke, but seemingly offered very little substance to the show. In other words, he was a coherent version of Paula Abdul.

Chris Daughtry
I wonder how many Idol staffers it took to wrestle grunge rocker Chris to the ground and dress him in a damn vest. Such an oxymoronic outfit.

Chris wanders off his well-worn INTENSITY AT ALL COSTS path to sing a slow, reverent version of “What A Wonderful World.” His deep, gravelly voice plays nicely into the song, making for a worthy performance. But the vest...? Man oh man. Who is he, Chandler Bing?

Paris Bennett
My girl Paris, one pair of shoulder pads away from looking identical to Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, uses her deep, soulful tone to perfection in Billie Holiday’s “Foolish Things,” but because it’s a lazy jazz song, and because she’s not quite a vocal powerhouse, the performance falls just shy of greatness.

Taylor Hicks
The only chance Taylor has of staying in this competition is to repeat his performance of Tuesday night’s “You Send Me,” originally by Sam Cooke. That is, a number that starts out slow, meaning Taylor doesn’t embarrass himself by dancing, but builds to a crescendo at the end, allowing for Taylor to show off his passionate vocal skillz. Hicksy’d been off for the past few weeks, but brought ‘er home Tuesday.

Elliott Yamin
Tanning bed! Sideburns! Elliott does a sparkling, lounge version of “It Had To Be You” complete with “Mr. Sandman”-esque background shadow vocals from the band. It’s truly enjoyable to watch, even for someone like myself who typically tunes in for the giggles. Still my favorite, that Elliott.

(It is at this point in the evening that I begin to feel vexed. I’m deeply enjoying the show thus far; the only problem is…how am I supposed to poke fun at quality performances? Writing a complimentary recap is no fun for anyone.)

Kellie Pickler
Any concerns of a blemish-free night are washed away by everyone’s favorite “Jessica Simpson called, she wants her ditzy blonde shtick back” punch-line Kellie Pickler. How bad was Kellie’s showing this week? Let us run down the key ingredients needed for an absolutely dreadful performance.

Did she make a poor song choice? Check. ("Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered," a slow, boring, dated “classic.” Not meant to be sung live.)

Did she do a poor job of singing? Check. (Timid, sharp, numerous missed notes. I physically winced. Even she admitted afterwards to having “butchered it.”)

Did she demonstrate poor stage presence? Check. (She didn’t move once.)

Did she look bad? Check. (Looked like she was heading to a prom – in 1996.)

The result: a perfect 4-for-4. Congratulations, Pickles. Your parting gift will be…a plane ride home. (I’ll be waiting for you here in your bedroom closet, where I’ve been since week two. See you soon!)

Ace Young
Sporting a hilarious ponytail, Ace sings the classic “That’s All.” Total yawner. My guess is he goes home soon. It’s a shame too; I was hoping he’d stick around for Color Me Badd Night so he could really shine. “Come inside take off your coat I’ll make you feel at home…”

Katharine McPhee
It’s the weirdest thing: about halfway through Kat’s performance of “Someone to Watch Over Me,” just as she’s whispering the chorus and the camera zooms in on her gorgeous face...at that very second, my allergies flare up. Boom, all of a sudden my eyes start stinging, my nose stuffs up, my voice goes hoarse. Strange.

And as if that isn’t weird enough, when I sneak a glance at my roommate Spoon, all of a sudden his allergies are flaring up too.

We inadvertently catch each other’s eyes and quickly look away.

We haven’t spoken since.

Best performances: (1) Katharine McPhee, (2) Elliott Yamin, (3) Paris Bennett.

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