American idol 5 -- episode 13

By: B -- 4/26/06

Before I get to episode 13’s assessment, your trusty recapster B would like to take a moment to congratulate America on its accurate voting decisions thus far on Idol (and in doing so, probably jinxing the rest of the season’s outcomes). The remaining finalists are essentially the best talent season five had to offer, and for that, America, you deserve a jovial pat on the back. (What do you say, gang -- nationwide slow-clap? Tomorrow, noonish?) There have been no Tamyra Grey or Jennifer Hudson early exits, and, inversely, no Scott Savol or John Stevens too-long stays.

Now if we can just continue this inspired voting trend until, say, November 2008….

Katharine McPhee
The McPheever kicks off “Love Songs” week (aided by coaching from the blind, irrelevant Andrea Bocelli and producer/pretend hard-ass David Foster) by singing “I Have Nothing.” I’ve hated this song since my sixth-grade girlfriend insisted on shrieking it every day on the swings during recess (like every other American lass at the time), but if anyone can make me re-evaluate my hatred, it’s Kat. Looking muy bonita in a low-cut prom gown, Katharine belts out the number with sheer confidence. The judges point out a few pitch problems, but considering her likable nature and extraordinary cleavage, methinks this performance coulda just won her the whole damn competition.

(A never-ending source of humor: Kat’s dad, who is shown in the crowd gazing at his daughter with dewy eyes and a jiggly chin. His chin jiggles violently, as if it’s battery-powered. Or maybe he’s just in the midst of digesting an entire pound of jell-o. One or the other.)

Elliott Yamin
Elliott chooses to sing Danny Hathaway’s “A Song For You” and identifies the song as his all-time personal favorite, an admission that screams indulgence, which in turn usually screams “early exit.” Thankfully, Elliott’s rendition just kills. No kidding. “A Song For You” is essentially a chilled-out piano ballad with quiet background “oohs” that allows Elliott to tighten up and wail the vocals, which he obviously loves. The song’s a bit slow for my tastes, but we all know Yamin’s smoove to da groove like sandwich bread. No different tonight.

During the judges’ critiques, Paula is shown weeping uncontrollably. It’s not even a polite, graceful, public cry. She’s all snot and messed-up makeup as she blubbers her go-to clichés. “You move me.” (lip quivering) “You are an American Idol.” (wiping tears) “I love you more than my Percoset.” (Okay, I made that one up.) Her uninhibited whimpering reminds me of my mom after my high-school graduation. And I mean that in the worst possible way.

Kellie Pickler
Kellie reports she’s “gon’ be sangin’ ‘Unchained Melody,’ y’all, lahke in that one mewvie with the pawtery scene!” Holy.Stale.Gimmick. The pre-performance clip featuring Kellie practicing with Bocelli & Foster is scary, and…well…the live version is even worse. Not a good song for a country chick with limited range. Featuring a poofed-top hairdo that serves to make her look like a goldfish, Kellie’s performance sounds like something you’d hear in a Lifetime movie about a divorced Kentucky single mother finding love again on the dance floor of a shit-kicker country bar. Translation: U-G-L-Y and she ain’t got no alibi.

The silver lining: this week’s performance is better than her rendition the week before, and since that debacle didn’t net her an appearance in the bottom three, I don’t expect to see her there this week either. Shame, that.

Paris Bennett
I’m sorry, but the only thing Barbra Streisand’s “The Way We Were” reminds me of is the scene in the movie The Jerk. (“Why are you crying?” “I heard a song today that reminded me of the way we were.” “What song was it?” “The Way We Were.”)

With this song selection, combined with her earlier rendition of Bette’s “The Wind Beneath My Wings,” Paris has now covered the two ballads so weepy, so over-the-top, that they aren’t even considered serious pieces of art anymore. After all the teasing and mockery, the songs have become virtual parodies of themselves. But I guess Paris wasn’t sent that memo. Either way, despite the crap selection and schmaltzy arrangement, Paris hits her notes and uses that deep tone to set herself apart from the original. Pretty good, pretty good.

Taylor Hicks
Taylor chooses the mostly-unknown “Just Once” by James Ingram. Wearing a retro tuxedo with an open neck, the stage lights dimmed, Hicksy’s performance gives me the impression of a groomsman doing karaoke in an empty hotel lounge after the reception has ended, singing to the shit-faced, nearly passed-out bridesmaid at the bar and using his campy shtick to close the deal. “This song goes out to you, girl. I hope you know how much you – hey, stop staring at my hair and just listen to the music, okay? I care about you, see. You know, maybe it’s best if you just close your eyes while I sing.”

Anyway, the song is too slow for Taylor’s style; he looks a bit neutered. Slow ballads are certainly not Taylor’s forte, and it shows.

(A lingering query: Why does Taylor continue to refuse to sing a Joe Cocker song? Does he not know it’d bring the house down?)

Chris Daughtry
I can’t be the only one feeling a bit apprehensive about Chris attempting to sing a love song. Super-intense rocker Chris doesn’t seem capable of functional love; he’s more likely to love someone so much he’d accidentally squeeze her to death. Baby, I love you so much it hurts. It hurts real bad. Do you know what I mean? Baby? You alright? Oh, shit.

Chris chooses “Have You Ever Loved a Woman” by the incomparable Bryan “I Prefer Absurdly Long Song Titles” Adams. The stage setup features two stooled acoustic guitarists on each side of Daughtry, which seems a bit silly at first, but once he starts singing all is forgiven. Chris obviously doesn’t have the mellow vocal chops to sound, you know, loving as opposed to stalkerish, but dammit he sounds good. Loud and passionate, while simultaneously steering clear of his trademark sandpapery shrieking, Chris’s version is far superior to the original.

He still scares me though.

Tonight’s best performances: (1) Elliott, (2) Chris, (3) McPheever

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