American idol 5 -- episode 16

By: B -- 5/17/06

I’ll bet top dollar Simon is still fuming at last week’s voting results, which saw career wedding singer Taylor Hicks collect the highest number of votes while the uber-talented (relatively speaking, of course) Chris Daughtry was sent packing. “What am I gonna do now?” I imagine his British-accented internal voice bemoaning. “If I’m being honest with myself, I would have to say I’m royally screwed.”

I’ll grant you the teenybopper set was more vocal about their Taylor-over-Chris fury – if it weren’t for OJ’s latest abominable stunt, Hicksy’d probably be the frontrunner for “most death threats” over the past week – but no one stands to lose more from the latest voting debacle than Simon. Chris will surely land on his feet (even if every other offer in the world falls through, he can always join faux-rockers Fuel), the viewers will be forced to endure only a few more weeks max of Taylor’s spaztastic dance antics, the ratings will surely maintain their astronomical heights…the only real loser in the whole ordeal is Simon.

Why, you ask? Because Simon’s record company produces the Idol winner’s ensuing album, and, since the most talented, marketable competitor has been ousted, Simon now has to devote studio time and promotional dollars to one of the three remaining finalists, each of which is staring down roadblocks on the potholed street to pop music stardom. (Katharine, Elliott and Taylor are, respectively, one-dimensional, ugly and wholly untalented.)

And while logic would argue the competitor that eventually receives the most votes is the most popular to the masses, keep in mind that while 30 million people tune in every week, just a sliver of those viewers will actually purchase the winner’s album. And if that winner happens to be Taylor? My guess is the sales numbers might make Sideshow Bob Guarini look successful by comparison. I understand the viewers enjoy gawking at his zaniness on the telly, but is anyone honestly going to pop in Hicksy’s CD to listen to his “Jailhouse Rock” during their next car ride? If so, you can just let me out at the next bus stop. I’ll find my own way home, thank you very much.

So America, don’t fret. Sure, it would’ve been fun watching Chris perform these next few weeks (and I was eagerly anticipating his conflicted happy/embarrassed frozen-smile reaction upon being crowned winner), but since I’m betting your hatred for Simon (buzzkilling truth-teller!) far outweighs your love for Chris, your recent voting decision may have been the most gratifying yet. Kudos.

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The format of episode 16 calls for each competitor to sing three songs: the first chosen by Arista head honcho Clive Davis, the second by one of the judges and the final a personal selection. Shall we break it down in order? Oh yes, we shall.

Elliott
Old Man Clive chooses Journey’s guilty pleasure “Open Arms,” which is clearly the wrong song for Elliott. The velvet-tongued Wonderbite isn’t suited for tracks that demand his voice to overpower the band; he’s much better when his voice blends and he doesn’t have to strain. I mean, everyone knows that by now. I question whether Clive even watches the show, though, to be fair, since he’s about 150 years old he can be forgiven for hitting the hay before the show starts.

Katharine
McPheever is saddled with the boring “I Believe I Can Fly,” and her rendition is painfully predictable. She just stands there and wails while America answers with a yawn. Here’s the thing, Kat: we know you have great pipes. So with that out of the way, can you try to spread your wings (sorry) and branch out a little?

Taylor
Hicksy’s “Dancing in the Dark” is aided by an ‘80s-synth tone from the band, which helps steer it clear of Karaoke Land. The song starts out innocently enough, and I dig the message behind the song: if Taylor has to dance, I think we’d all agree the dancing should be in the dark. Zing!

Halfway through the song, Crazy Taylor decides to venture off the stage and onto the dancing platform. Then, in a moment too perfect to accurately describe, Taylor pulls Paula on to the platform so she can unleash her inner Monica Gellar. (Wait, it gets better.) Mere seconds after Taylor pulls Everyone’s Favorite Painkiller Addict on the platform, he leaves her there and rushes back on the stage, leaving the poor lady to dismount all by her lonesome. Somewhere in the commotion, Taylor forgets trying to sing well and the song sputters to a breathless conclusion. Hilariously awful. America, we do NOT got a hot one tonight.

Elliott
Paula is granted choosing power for Elliott’s second song, which she spends on the Ray Charles classic “I Believe To My Soul.” Paula immediately jumps to her feet at the song’s onset, and Elliott shoots her a mid-song nervous smile that seems to say “oh god, I hope you don’t think I’m actually singing this to you, you creepy nutcase.” The song is a bit meandering to really allow for any kind of magic, but the kid is nothing if not great.

Kat
Kat begins the Simon-chosen “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” singing a cappella. Both concept and execution are flawless; I don’t think anyone in the studio even so much as breathes the entire performance (except, of course, Kat’s dad, who is shown blubbering like a schoolgirl). The band quietly enters about halfway through, but remain minimal as Kat purrs the words while sitting center stage. Spellbinding job by the McPheever, resulting in a unanimous Best Vocal Yet gushing from the judges. Here here.

Taylor
The world can return to its orbit and resume spinning accordingly, for Taylor finally – finally – sings a Joe Cocker song. He’s all grimaces and Bitter Beer Face frowns throughout “You Are So Beautiful,” giving the impression that he’s working on a mammoth turd while singing. The result isn’t pretty. Obviously. The vocals are on par, if a bit slow and over-the-top for my tastes. Listen, fella: you aren’t saving lives here. Ease up on the melodrama. The judges fawn all over it for no reason in particular, which leads me to conclude he’s holding on to incriminating ménage a troi pics of the three. There is no rational explanation for this man’s continual presence on the show.

Elliott
Yamin kicks off the personal choice round with Donny Hathaway’s “I Believe,” cementing his full-blown obsession with the singer (and, incidentally, Paula’s obsession with him). The uptempo, soulful vibe of the tune is right up Elliott’s alley, and he rocks it accordingly. The downside: Simon points out that the unfamiliar song choice may very well result in his departure, to which I respond with a defeated head nod.

Kat
Someone needs to sit Kat down for a lecture about the meaning of blues music (I’d volunteer if it weren’t for that pesky restraining order). She sings “I Ain’t Got Nothing But The Blues” with an out-of-place beaming smile, bouncing around the stage with a carefree ‘tude. She’s footloose and fancy-free, and god love her for it, but the girl’s got no clue how to sing the blues. She’s not troubled or depressed in the slightest; she’s just barely more serious than the departed Kellie Pickler, fer crying out loud. Kat’s got as much blues as Taylor’s got moves. Y’all can try try try, but it just ain’t happening.

Taylor
You know what, I don’t have the energy. His aw-the-hell-with-it spirit is causing temporary insanity throughout the country and I’m sick of talking about him.

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