American idol 5 -- episode 2

By: B -- 2/22/06

After a so-so night of performances from the ladies Tuesday, the dudes were given their fair shake Wednesday night. Let’s jump right into the action, shall we? As is custom, we’ll recap the performances in order. On with the snarkiness.

Patrick Hall
I’d bet that choosing Patrick to open the show was a conscious decision by the producers. Let’s get this yawner out of the way and move on to the good shit. Makes sense to me. Patrick, who looks like a cross between Barry Manilow and Can’t Buy Me Love’s Patrick Dempsey, chooses Melissa Etheridge’s “Come To My Window.” That he claims to “connect” with a song written by an angry lesbian means something, but I’m not sure what.

Patrick’s severe camera staring and deliberate over-enunciation hint that he believes he’s singing the MOST IMPORTANT SONG EVER. This melodramatic wiener has talent, but seems better suited for the Christian Rock circuit. Watch your back, Michael W. Smith.

David Radford
David’s the high-school crooner who’s got all the jumpy verve of Jon Peter Lewis and all the talent of John Stevens. And no, that is not a compliment. Quite the opposite. Rads wrecks “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” in what appears to be a tryout for a trashy Vegas hotel located miles off the strip. Not pretty.

Bucky Covington
I swear Bucky’s using a fake name, chosen during one of those “first pet’s name/street address of childhood home” games. But that’s neither here nor there. Bucky performs Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” but does it no justice. His ultra-raspy voice makes Kid Rock sound like Clay Aiken. The performance is distinct, no doubt, but not in a good way. Redneck B-Cov’s just may be headed home.

Will Makar
Fred Savage Jr. decides to sing the Jackson Five’s “I Want You Back,” a solid selection in that it hides his obvious range limitations. Savage bounces around the stage and works his clear-as-a-bell tenor to the nth, but dude obviously ain’t got the chops to worm his way into the finals. Love his spirit though.

Sway Penala
An Asian-ier Cuba Gooding Jr. Sway is rocking dope threads tonight; a white cocked pimp hat, a Hef-like burgundy blazer and white pants. He falsettos his way through an Earth, Wind & Fire tune. Sway's transition from nut-squeezing falsetto to his natural register is indeed impressive, but since he obviously ain’t gonna stick to the high notes throughout the competition, I can’t speculate on his chances at a finals run. Flawed but ambitious, I’m curious to see what Sway brings next week.

Chris Daughtry
Chris briefly scares me by declaring he’s going to cover Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead Or Alive,” but redeems himself tenfold with the ass-kicking performance. His deep, raspy voice has a superior tone to Bo Bice’s, if a bit less power. Hands down best performance of the night, already one of the most talented dudes to appear on AI.

Kevin Covais
Kevin shows off a nasaly voice and schoolboy lisp as he nervously sweats his way through a humdrum Bryan McKnight tune. He’s obviously second-rate, but since he appears to be about 8 years old everyone treats him as such and is afraid to criticize. (I get the feeling that if Corky from “Life Goes On” were to try out he’d be crowned winner.) The patronizing behavior is nauseating. Well screw it, I’m not afraid; the emperor is wearing no clothes, and Kevin sucks.

Gideon McKinney
Saddled with a chintzy arrangement from the backing band, Gideon’s “Shout” is sadly underwhelming. Unquestionably in tune but a bit bland. Meh.

Elliott Yamin
Elliott is featuring the rare facial combination of a chin-strap beard and an underbite. Yish. He looks like a ghetto version of Abraham Lincoln. Eyesore or not, Elliott’s spirited rendition of Stevie’s “If You Really Love Me” is dead on. He’s got the Motown voice going; he actually sounds a bit like Wonder. Elliott’s got the goods, yo. Simon suggests that he may be the most talented male vocalist to ever grace the show, at which point Elliott almost loses his shit.

But seriously, his looks. Let’s hope the producers choose some mood lighting for his performance next week. Or maybe he could wear a football helmet? The executives need to come up with a visual solution, because Elliott should be around for a while. Skillz, mad skillz.

Bobby Bennett
The. Absolute. Worst. Picture a Mexican Jackie Gleeson jolly-singing a theme park version of “Copa Cabana.” ‘Nuff said. Kicking Bobby off the show isn’t enough; my vote is for deportation.

Ace Young
This pretty-boy pop rocker chooses George Michael’s “Father Figure,” a stone-cold perfect selection for his voice. He’s a polished performer beginning to end, and considering he lives in LA, I’d bet that this performance alone has just earned Ace a “Lifetime of Getting Laid” pass. Could be a top-fiver.

Taylor Hicks
I’ll say this: out of all the 24 performers this season, Hicks is my favorite. You know him as the gray-haired soul singer, a Ray Charles knockoff with working eyeballs. Hicks selects Elton John’s “Levon,” a risky choice considering the slow beginning, but soon enough Taylor hits stride and comes into his own. Close your eyes and you’d swear he was black; but open them and you’ll recognize those dance moves as unmistakable white boy. If I cared enough to vote, it'd be for Hicks.

Tonight’s best performances: 1) Chris Daughtry, 2) Elliott Yamin, 3) Ace Young

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