American idol 5 -- episode 3

By: B -- 2/28/06

The unofficial theme for Tuesday’s American Idol was, apparently, “Grandparent’s Night.” Nearly every damn one of the ten remaining female contestants sang a chintzy ballad suited best for the geriatric set. Appalling song choices all around. I half expected to see ads for dentures and Depends running between segments.

So there you have it. Grandparent’s Night. I must’ve missed the memo.

Three pros to Tuesday night’s show that helped offset the bland song choices: (1) the show was only – only – an hour and a half long, (2) Stevie Smith wasn’t performing, having been kicked off (along with the future Mrs. Broxey) the week before, and (3) Paula evidently stepped up her medication and was back to her mumbly, melodramatic self. God bless her for the unintentional comedy.

Katharine McPhee
I was briefly excited when I heard Katharine announce she’d be singing a Stevie Wonder tune, but upon learning the song was “All In Love Is Fair” (one of Stevie’s weakest tracks, at least in a live setting), combined with Katharine’s unfortunate outfit selection of black football pants and a maternity shirt, spelled letdown.

In addition to the disappointing song selection, Kat is quickly revealing herself to be the biggest space cadet on the show, a distinction on par with being known as the biggest pothead on the Trailblazers. An example of Katharine’s reaction to the judges’ critiques:

Randy: “Not impressive. I wasn’t feeling it at all.”
Katharine: (big smile, followed by nervous giggling).
Paula: “Randy’s right, Katharine. That was not very good.”
Katharine: (still giggling).
Simon: “I did not enjoy that performance.”
Katharine: (a continuous giggle-fest).

I know I’m not the only one wondering if Kat dug into Paula’s stash.

Kinnik Sky
When I saw Oversized Features Kinnik (who could seemingly wrap her mouth around a fire hydrant) sporting a cowboy hat, I briefly envisioned my family members sitting on their couches and exclaiming, “a black girl in a cowboy hat?! That’s like Brandon wearing work gloves!” then laughing amongst themselves. I’m not saying it’s right; I’m just saying I envisioned it.

Kinnik’s version of “Here for the Party” by Gretchen Wilson is no doubt powerful, but lacking in range. Face it: girl’s got no shot at the crown. I’d be less surprised to learn she’s been concealing a penis than I would be to see her win it all.

Lisa Tucker
Upon first glance at the striking 16-year-old Tucker, roommate Spoon offered a remark that, considering her age, would probably earn him a few months in the slammer were it printed. Jailbait or not, Tucker’s cover of the Jackson Five’s “Who’s Loving You” is pleasant but frail, as if she needed her mic jacked up a notch. Tucker’s got solid stage presence and two decent performances under her belt; my guess is she’s a top-ten competitor. In which case, Spoon will be very happy. And creepy.

Melissa McGee
McPhee performs one of the few uptempo numbers of the evening, some bluesy country song by every Grandma’s fave Reba McIntyre. The rowdy shitkicker-bar vibe of the song works well with Melissa’s raspy voice and exposed stomach paunch. Good shtuff all around.

Heather Cox
Heather’s rendition of Mariah Carey’s schoolgirl yawner “Hero” would have, in hindsight, been equally enjoyable with the telly on mute. Not bad. Not good. Boring.

Brenna Gethers
(Warning: critique might be biased due to my extreme distaste for this particular competitor) Brenna chooses Donna Summer’s discotheque smash “A Last Dance,” which I have to assume gained popularity only because everyone during the time of its release was so gorged on cocaine they couldn’t decipher the difference between various musical notes. Brenna’s attitude and voice combine to form a 25-year-old reincarnation of Fran Drescher. The result? Well, what do you think? Disco plus Drescher equals, you guessed it: three minutes of my life I wish I could strike from my brain cells.

Paris Bennett
Along with Kat McPhee, the best female in the competition. Paris inexplicably chooses the clichéd weeper “Wing Beneath My Wings” by the interminable Bette Midler.

Paris’s performance is, well, damn near perfect. Plus, since the song is a staple at funeral parlors the country over, Paris succeeds in reminding 30 million Americans that’s it’s been a while since we’ve been to the cemetery to pay our respects. Thanks for that, Paris. Thank you so very much.

Ayla Brown
The best compliment the judges can bestow on Ayla after her performance of some Celine Dion song is that she’s “a hard worker.” Seems to me she stood there and wailed like the rest of the gals, but whatevs. Simon describes her as “mechanical,” and I agree. Cowell and I are in utter agreeance.

Kellie Pickler
Pickles McBlonde sings her heart out on Bonnie Raitt’s “Something to Talk About,” giving it a dorky country vibe. Good but not great. Her all-American looks will get her further than her talent warrants. And that is quite alright by me.

Mandisa
Mandisa the Greek Warrior owns a set of pipes. Unfortunately, she has no taste, proven by her selection of Faith Hill’s “Cry.” Slightly less bad than the original version, but at the time of her performance I’m already sick of the show. Mandisa has what is undeniably one of the best voices in this competition, but she’ll need to make better choices to stick around. And if she doesn’t? I couldn’t care less.

Tuesday’s show ends with me begging for mercy. Please, dudes, bring some attitude Wednesday. America has hit its collective soft rock quota.

Here’s hoping for a ballad-free tomorrow.

Tuesday’s best performances: (1) Paris Bennett, (2) Mandisa, (3) Melissa McPhee.

Two deserving to be sent home: (1) Brenna Gethers, (2) Heather Cox.

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