American idol 5 -- episode 5

By: B -- 3/7/06

Good news this week: (1) Tuesday’s show is only an hour long, and (2) we don’t need to watch Brenna Gethers and Heather Cox anymore, they being the abysmal losers sent home last week. The bad news: Ryan Seacrest is still the host. He’s as annoying as head lice, but you already know that. I’m going to ask you, my readers, for a favor: if Ryan Seacrest is run over by a green Mazda Protégé with Minnesota plates in the next couple weeks, delete this site from your Bookmarks and pretend you never heard my name. Just forget about me. I thank you.

On to the action.

Paris Bennett
Since she’s from Minnesota, I was hoping Paris would give a shout-out to fallen slugger Kirby Puckett with a tribute, maybe something like “Let’s Hear It For the Boys,” or “I Need a Hero.” No such song (which is probably good because I’d have been a howling puddle of tears); Paris actually decides to give us “Congo” by Gloria Estefan. The song is weak, mostly due to the cruiseline backing arrangement, but Paris is nearly flawless once again. Plus, with her mint green eye goop and short curls, girl looks cute.

Lisa Tucker
Ever heard of Tiffany Taylor’s “Where I Stand”? I haven’t either, but Tuck’s determined to introduce us to all its middling “soul” balladry. Unfamiliar songs are never a good idea in a competition such as this, but the song mostly highlights her by-the-books tone.

Melissa McGhee
If you were to judge a book by its cover (which I hear is generally frowned upon), Melissa is a coke whore stuck in the 80’s. Tattered jeans, black leather shirt, slicked-back hair, more eye makeup than Billie Joe Armstrong – talk about playing the part. Melissa’s deep voice is perfect for the rock vibe of “What About Love,” even if she basically shouts her way through the whole damn tune. Simon predicts she’s sung her last song, but I’m not convinced. There are more coke whore Idol fans than Simon thinks. Believe me.

Kinnik Sky
I swear, more Idol contestants have sung Alicia Keys’s “If I Ain’t Got You” than every other song combined. Kinnik, oblivious to that fact, tries to tackle the taxing track anyway (hello alliteration!). The result: ugly. John Stevens ugly. Kinnik’s voice works about half the time, but the half that doesn’t work is so bad I’m fairly confident she’s headed home. My hope is that when she does arrive home, she adjusts her wardrobe, heads to the barber, grows out the ‘stache and comes back next year as a dude. Sorry.

Katharine McPhee
Are we in love with Katharine? I can’t decide. She’s gorgeous but potentially prone to an overweight bod. She’s got a great voice but sings Streisand. She shoots the camera sex stares but then acts like a goofball. I’m torn.

Katharine’s performance of Aretha’s “Think” isn’t as good as the original, but it’s better than anything else a chick’s submitted in the past two weeks. Completely effortless. And a bonus: the puppetmaster dancing makes a repeat appearance! All kinds of awesomeness.

Ayla Brown
Meh.

Mandisa
Mandisa’s ah-what-the-hell shawl & jeans attire, combined with her performance of Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman” reminded me of one of those Girl’s Night Out group of ladies you see at every karaoke bar. One of those “screw men, we don’t need ‘em!” crowds. Mandisa worked it out though, truly. Good shit. Randy warns the rest of the girls that “Mandisa just set the benchmark,” but I swear to frickin’ God he said “bitchmark.” That is what I choose to believe.

Kellie Pickler
Puts some country stank on Melissa’s Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One,” a song I *ahem* actually kind of enjoy. Kellie’s ceiling has been defined since day one, and tonight proves no different, but the performance was fun. Charmingly oblivious to her own goofy nature, I hope she sticks around for a while. But if she does get sent home soon, I plan on taking a road trip to find her. My bags are already packed, the car warmed up. And if I end up accidentally running over a certain television host on the way, so be it. Love is just that powerful.

Best performances of the night: (1) Mandisa, (2) Katharine McPhee, (3) Paris Bennett

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