American idol 5 -- episode 9

By: B -- 3/28/06

Episode nine of this season’s American Idol was “Letdown Week.” Allow me to explain: this week, the ten remaining contestants were allowed to choose a song, any song, from the 21st century. Not from one particular artist, but from any artist. Not from one particular genre, but from any genre. Considering the young age of the competitors, one would assume they’d each choose a song that they know they can rock, the one they’ve performed in their cars, showers, and local karaoke clubs about a million times before.

Yes, one would think that…but not during Letdown Week. Oh no. Each contestant (with the exception of the final two, who apparently didn’t understand the rules) actually sang a terrible version of a terrible song, in different but equally terrible ways. And let us down they did! Stellar work, assholes!

Lisa Tucker
Song choice: “Because of You,” by Kelly Clarkson
Reason it was terrible: Because Kelly Clarkson rocks, that’s why, and Lisa Tucker does not. Tucker seems to have a passable voice, but it’s never a good idea to cop a track from a former, and far superior, Idol contestant. I mean, that’s Idol 101. Read the handbook, Tucks.

Kellie Pickler
Song choice: “Suds in a Bucket” by Sarah Evans
Reason it was terrible: See “song choice” above. Faced with the option of choosing any damn song from the last six years, Kellie picked some gimmicky hoe-down number that sounded like a potential theme song for Reba. I’ve never heard the song before, a fact that makes me very proud of myself. The high doesn’t last long: when Paula says “You’re way better than that song choice,” I nod soberly in agreement, a fact that makes me very ashamed of myself. I’m starting to agree with Paula…damn you, Letdown Week.

Ace Young
Song choice: “Drops of Jupiter” by Train
Reason it was terrible: Why, there are a few – (1) it’s absolutely one of the worst songs of the past decade, (2) Ace introduced the song by saying he was going to be singing a rock-n-roll song (“Jupiter” is about as rock-n-roll as a comb-over), (3) when he sang the line “in her hair,” he ran his hands through his own hair. All kinds of awful.

Taylor Hicks
Song choice: “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne
Reason it was terrible: Because the only reason that song is enjoyable in the first place is the subtle composition and emotional vocals. If you gay up the arrangement and sing it with a smile, it loses its pizzazz. Plus, I’ll bet the teenyboppers who make up the Idol voting base haven’t ever heard the song before, so they probably aren’t lining up to vote for the creepy old man who looks like their dad but all of a sudden sports the wardrobe of a ten-year-old. Just a hunch.

Mandisa
Song choice: “Wanna Praise You” by some gospel band
Reason it was terrible: Because the song sounds like something you’d see performed on channel 97 at 3:30 in the morning as a preacher thumps congregation members over the head with a bible to cure them of cancer. Mandisa repeatedly shrieks the chorus of “I wanna praise you!” while dancing the best she knows how (read: lots of jiggling). Baby, you can praise Him all you want, but this is a nationally-televised competition and the Lord ain’t got a touchtone phone.

Chris Daughtry
Song choice: “What If” by Creed
Reason it was terrible: Anyone who's heard the hard-rocking number from resident jackasses Creed will know the vocals basically consist of three minutes of shouting. It’s an angry, heartless tune from beginning to end. Daughtry’s pained, powerful-but-always-about-to-crack voice is suited for any kind of song except this. Anyone can scream, dude. Not a good time to go pedestrian on us.

Katharine McPhee
Song choice: “The Voice Within” by Christina Aguilera
Reason it was terrible: Because KatPhee is no Xtina. No one is, and trying to sprinkle in some fancypants vibrato just isn’t going to cut it. Shows off an impressive rack, however, which will end up being the best part of tonight’s episode.

Bucky Covington
Song choice: “Real Good Man” by Tim McGraw
Reason it was terrible: Well, because it’s Bucky. He’s terrible week in and week out. That’s his calling card. This week was actually his best performance (probably because we couldn’t hear his voice over the music) but still worse than the rest of the competitors. Ish.

And to finish the night, the two performers who were apparently in the bathroom when the rules of Letdown Week were explained.

Paris Bennett
Song choice: “Work It Out” by Beyonce
Reason it was sweet: Because Paris understands how to Work. It. Out. Comes out strutting, displaying uber diva attitude. She effortlessly hits every note and supplements the vocals with moves so nasty I had to reach over an cover my roommate Spoon’s virgin eyes. Girl shook her booty like it was her job. She made me think dirty thoughts.

Elliott Yamin
Song choice: “I Don’t Want To Be” by Gavin DeGraw
Reason it was sweet: Saddled with obvious comparisons to Bo Bice (the hippie from last year who brought the house down) with his song selection and challenged by a too-loud backing arrangement, Elliott screams most of the song and actually pulls it off. Not groundbreaking by any means, but considering what he was working with, I don’t know if any other competitor could have matched it.

Al fin. To those who missed Tuesday’s episode: I salute you.

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