IDOL CONFESSIONS

By: B -- 1/13/05

Season Five of American Idol will be beginning next Tuesday, and I for one couldn’t be more excited. I’m not kidding. I realize this confession might bruise the indie-hipster persona I’ve been so meticulously cultivating, but I might as well be honest. And anyway, it’s important for everyone to own up to a few guilty pleasures to prove their individuality. No one wants to be a talking head. Idol is my chief guilty pleasure, and I have decided to take my infatuation public.

(I should mention that this infatuation does not include the day-after Results shows that mostly constitute a half hour of sloppy medleys and awful Ford Focus spots. I refuse to sit through them, instead choosing to TiVo and fast-forward through to learn the results. This article focuses on the Performance episodes.)

I am constantly ridiculed by my friends and family members for my devotion to Idol. They call me “pathetic,” and “retarded,” and say things like “See, I told you he was gay.” I’ve heard them all, and frankly I couldn’t care less. I never suggested that Idol was culturally significant programming.

All I ask for in a television show is to (a) keep me entertained, and (b) provide me with ample conversation material. Idol’s got this in spades. I of course recognize the laughably overemotional atmosphere, and I agree that many of the performances are trainwrecks, and I’ve already spoken out about the weekly Results episodes, and furthermore I hate that Idol spawned the William Hung craze…but I still stand by my opinion that the show is always-watchable, frequently-enjoyable television. In fact, I have listed six factors as justification for my viewpoint. Go ahead and laugh at me; you’ll be neither the first nor the last.

1. The Dead of Winter Sucks

Idol’s season runs from January until April. The timing is perfect because the rest of the entertainment beasts are in hibernation. The NFL season is over, baseball hasn’t yet begun, no one really watches the NBA, the NHL may or may not have returned from the lockout, no upcoming elections, no quality movies are released and there is a palpable lack of concerts. Add in the frigid Minnesota temps and you have a population spending most of its time on the couch. The telly reigns supreme.

2. Karaoke Rules

It just does. Classic songs are classic for a reason, and anytime someone with an even halfway decent voice is given a few days to practice a mostly conventional rendition, chances are the result will be at least okay. Such is the norm with Idol. (And, as is the case with most karaoke, the bad performances are oddly compelling.)

3. Paula Abdul’s Hilarious Antics

Come for the music, stay for the hilarity. There are few things in life more riveting than unintentional comedy (definition: the comedy that results from crazy people trying to act serious. Other examples include: all interviews with Mike Tyson, Dick Vermeil crying, most of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge shows, and David Silver’s musical career on 90210). Abdul’s batshit behavior ranks near the top of the greatest unintentional comedy on television. Comedic gold, I’m telling you. Some random 16-year-old will quiver through a Whitney Houston cover and Abdul will collapse in dramatic sobs, finally whimpering something like, “you…are…my star” or point to her heart and say, “I’m going to keep that performance in here, forever.” I don’t know what Abdul’s on, but it’s got to be what Anna Nicole’s on; either way, the point is I want some. How she isn’t in treatment yet is beyond me. Paula Abdul is a miracle. She is simply defying modern science.

4. Democracy At Its Finest

In an odd way, Idol represents a fair and accurate channel to discover young pop stars. No longer do you need a famous last name, millions of dollars or fanatical parents to become a famous singer. It’s democracy at its finest; you win if America votes you in. Simple as that. If all of celebritydom were like this, we’d likely have never heard of Britney, Lindsay, Paris or Nicole. Those whorish chicas don’t have the talent to win anything, unless there were contests like Sluttiest Wardrobe, Best Binge & Purge or Slyest Cocaine Addiction.

Stars like Kelly Clarkson and Fantasia made it because they earned it, albeit it in a slightly contrived format. I haven’t heard much of Fantasia since she was crowned Season 3’s victor, but Clarkson is an absolute powerhouse. And without Idol, she probably wouldn’t have been discovered.

5. Low Expectations

The key to enjoying Idol is to set minimal expectations. Don’t expect greatness, don’t expect the second-coming of Aretha (or even Christina), don’t even expect enjoyable renditions. Just watch Idol for two reasons: (1) because everyone else is (more on this in a sec), and (2) for the unintentional comedy factor. Prepare to laugh at Abdul, to laugh at the youngsters’ horrified reactions after Simon ridicules them on national television, and to generally revel in the absurdity.

Chances are you’ll be pleasantly surprised with a few of the performances. Last season, Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood were talented singers with booming voices, and more often than not their renditions were fun to watch. Each season boasts a few worthy performers, and while they may be few and far between, their presence provides a bonus to tuning in.

6. The Water Cooler Factor

The most important reason I watch Idol: because everyone else does, and they’re constantly debating the quality of the recent episode’s shows. I would probably watch Idol even if no one else was, but my enjoyment would be tempered. The thing is, Idol sparks the best water cooler chit-chat. The premise is straightforward (who’s the better singer?), the reasoning is simple (he/she sounded good/bad) and there’s always a plethora of laughable moments to mention. I’ll admit there are better shows on television, but none provide such ripe conversation material.

The Water Cooler Factor best explains the popularity of the show. For the past four years, Idol has been garnering enormous ratings, even while running two days per week; no show can match its popularity. However, when the ten finalists tour the country after the show’s completion, the concerts never sell out. Which raises the obvious question: why is a show that consistently receives 20 million viewers per week unable to sell out relatively small auditoriums? Simple: because at the end of each season a winner is crowned. Discussions have ceased, and with them went the public’s interest. So know this: the popularity of the show can mostly be attributed to the debates, not the performances.

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It feels good to admit my excitement for next Tuesday. I’m looking forward to a season of superficial debates, laughing over coffee, email discussions with friends. You’re free to join in the merriment. Swallow your pride. Set the TiVo. Embrace the spectacle.

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