NAMING OF THE BAND

By: B -- 1/17/06

I’m a space cadet with concentration issues. It’s an unfortunate but well-documented reality. Most people with this problem attempt to correct it, but I’ve decided to celebrate my daydream tendencies.

One of my favorite spacey thoughts of late is, “if I were to start a band, what would I name it?” This has been one of my favorite internal debates, right up there with the classic inanities “if I won the lottery, how would I spend my money?” and “what celebrity would I most want to, um, date?” (My answers to those are to start a magazine and Jessica Alba, respectively. But again, I’m getting off-topic. That is so me.)

So anyway. Band names. I recently decided I would choose once and for all the name of my hypothetical band. And because my personal brand of madness is inexplicably exacting, I used a strict methodology in my selection process.

First off, I dislike one-word band names that start with The. The Who, The Beatles, The Replacements, The Cure, The Killers, The Strokes, The Sights, The Sounds…yawn. I could rattle off dozens of comparable band names just by taking a glance around my living room. The Speakers. The Remotes. The Posters. The Bulbs. The Knobs. Too easy, too common, too forgettable, so any “The” band names are out.

Also out of the running is the thought of featuring my actual name. If I were to form a band I’d hold boundless christening rights…what’s the fun of simply using my own name? Seems like a cop-out. In fact, if I were a one-man band I’d go the way of Badly Drawn Boy (which is actually just one dude, Damon Gough) and eschew my name in favor of an eccentric title, as if to give the impression of an actual band at work.

After I concluded my Cons list, I moved on to the Pros. Most importantly, the name had to be memorable. I always liked Pearl Jam on an aesthetic level, but it sounds a bit generic, almost as if it’s the name of a band in a movie. Pearl Jam is an ostensibly decent band name, but it doesn’t have the same immediate memorability as, say Death Cab For Cutie or I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness.

There are two methods to creating a memorable band name beyond the actual terminology. One, it can be a ready-made anecdote. Bands with personal stories behind their name are instantly appealing; for example Jimmy Eat World (the guitarist’s youngest brother Ed, mad at other brother Jimmy, drew with crayons a picture of Jimmy shoving the entire world into his gaping mouth with the caption, "Jimmy eat world.") and Arcade Fire (the lead singer once heard a story about a fire in an arcade, though no one knows if the story is true). Those names are winners due to their conversation-friendly qualities.

The second, and rarer quality, is to have a humorous name. Local bands Hookers & Blow and Another Goddamn Doo-Wop Band are immediately recognizable because they make people chuckle. And that’s a good thing, but a challenging task in that most “funny” band names come off as contrived and gimmicky.

After I’d settled on my Pros and Cons list, I attempted to select my favorite actual band name in hopes it might provide me guidance. The eventual winner: Zuzu’s Petals. Petals was a local female trio from the early 90s, and though I never saw them live and can’t even name one of their songs, the name is perfect. It’s recognizable by most everyone, it’s got a pleasing ring, and the story behind the name invokes patent optimism. And since I maintain a healthy obsession with pop culture, I decided I wanted my band name to contain a pop culture reference such as Zuzu’s.

So my challenge was clear: to conceive a memorable band name that references popular culture, but doesn’t include my name or start with The. (And afterwards, to get a life.)

After many hours spent contemplating my favorite books, movies and TV shows, I’d come up with a few insightful one-liners and character names that could double as my band name. But none were as intriguing as a goofy notion that popped into my head: a band name that gave away the ending to a popular movie or TV show.

Now that’s a winning concept. It’d be clever, funny and irreverent. One caveat: I didn’t necessarily want my band name to be an over-the-top spoiler to admirable media (i.e. “They’re Both Tyler Durden” would just be plain mean – and if you don’t understand the reference please forget I said it), so I had two options: either spoil an already shitty movie/show, or provide a reference obscure enough that it wouldn’t necessarily ruin the experience.

And though it would meet my criteria, “Bruce Willis Is Dead in The Sixth Sense” just doesn’t have a great ring to it. Hilarious, yes; plus, I’d love nothing more than saving my fans from seeing that crap movie. But if my band ever made it big we’d probably just be referred to as “Bruce Willis Is Dead” or “Bruce Willis,” and that would be completely missing the point.

I knew I had to cut down on words. Like the great Dirk Diggler said, I’d want the name to cut glass. “Spacey is Kaizer Soze” is shorter but it’s a mouthful, and “Andy Dufresne Escapes” is a bit bland. “Kristen Shot JR” upholds the proper spirit, but I’d be 20 years too late.

My thoughts then turned to “Rosebud’s a Sled.” The name is witty and succinct, but I still had concerns about spoiling the movie. So I considered a slight adjustment to “Rosebud The Sled.” I figure those who saw Citizen Kane would appreciate the subtlety, and those who didn’t would possibly write off the band name as an affectionate character in one of the band member’s cartoonish childhood daydreams.

And as an added bonus, I can imagine a scenario where one person who hasn’t seen Kane asks someone about my band name, but the other person won’t even begin to answer for fear of giving away the film’s ending. ‘Hey, what’s the story behind that band’s name?’ ‘Uh…um…I’d rather not say.’ ‘Well, you don’t have to explain it, just tell me what it’s from.’ ‘I can’t even tell you that much, sorry.’ A riveting scenario no matter how you slice it.

I briefly considered learning the guitar in hopes of actually starting a band someday, but I got sidetracked and spent the next few hours daydreaming about where I would take Jessica on our first date.

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