THE NEW MAGIC 8-BALL

By: B -- 4/2/06

The internet craze du jour is a quiz entitled Magic Shuffle. The rules are simple: set your mp3 player on shuffle and use the songs to answer the pre-selected questions found below. Simple as that. It sounds like a pointless exercise, but I actually quite enjoyed it. Some song answers were surprisingly logical, others were just confusing. All in all, quite fun. Plus, all-star bloggers Daniel Radosh and Lindsay Robertson did it, so I’m in good company. Below, my results.

How does the world see you?
Torn and Frayed, The Rolling Stones

I admit I’m in a somewhat reckless phase in my life, but I don’t think anyone could possibly view me as this f’ed up. A lyric example: “Joe's got a cough, sounds kind a rough / Yeah, and the codeine to fix it / Doctor prescribes, drug store supplies / Who's gonna help him to kick it?” I mean, I thought it was common knowledge that my only addictions are Vivarin, The Flaming Lips and Diet Mountain Dew. But hey, maybe people are actually starting to believe my fabricated bad ass bravado. Success!

Will I have a happy life?
I Can Change, John Legend

According to this song, my only chance at happiness is to change my unbeknownst-to-me degenerate ways. A lyric sample: “So I’m through with the women / Yeah that’s right / I give up on the pimpin’ / Girl I’m gonna repent from my sinnin’ / If that’s what you want me to do.” It won’t be easy to give up the game, burn the black book, what have you, but girl, I’ma do it. For you. Whoever you are.

What do my friends really think of me?
Try A Little Tenderness, Otis Redding

Will do, friends. You want tenderness, you’ll get tenderness. Over and over again. Hey, you asked for it. Better get some rest.

Do people secretly lust after me?
Standard Lines, Dashboard Confessional

Gotta admit, I’ve never heard this song before. But judging by the (laughable, over-the-top dramatic) lyrics, I’m going to assume those who secretly lust after me are insane stalker chicks: “But your taste still lingers on my lips like I just placed them upon yours / And I starve for you / But this new diet's liquid and dulling to the senses / And it's crude but it will do.” Yikes.

How can I make myself happy?
Got To Give It Up, Marvin Gaye

Can do!

What should I do with my life?
Polka Dot Tail, Ween

Come on, iPod, don’t dodge an important question with this ridiculous selection. You are such a wuss.

Will I ever have children?
Wet, Wet, Wet, Badly Drawn Boy

A 42-second instrumental from the About A Boy soundtrack. I have no idea what this means, but I hope if I do have a child, he’ll choose a better haircut than Marcus. And also, you know, be healthy and stuff.

What is some good advice for me?
Trading War Stories, 2Pac

Pac’s telling me to keep it real. That’s as good advice as any, far as I’m concerned. Thanks Pac, I’ll pour out some liquor fo’ ya. Alize and Hennessy. Bet.

How will I be remembered?
Rock & Roll Queen, The Subways

Very funny, iPod. Very funny. I am all man and you know it. Dick.

What is my signature dancing song?
Hotel Yorba, The White Stripes

Ha! This one is actually true. I remember drunk-dancing some sort of manic jig to this with my friends in college. Just hearing this song makes me nostalgic and, well, pretty darn embarrassed.

What do I think my current theme song is?
I Am The Resurrection, The Stone Roses

See? I told you guys I was the second-coming of Jesus Christ, but did anyone believe me? Nooo. I hope you non-believers enjoy your time in Hell, cuz y’all ain’t coming with me to the pearly gates. (Actually, with this selection I think my iPod is reminding me of my shameful arrogance. This Magic Shuffle has become a no-holds-barred undertaking that’s hitting too close to home.)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Heard ‘Em Say, Kanye West

“And I heard ‘em say, nothin’s ever promised tomorrow today.” Makes sense. I’m notorious amongst my friends as the melodramatic drunk who makes toasts for no reason and keeps reminding people that we, you know, have to appreciate this AMAZING time in our lives, right? We are so lucky to be alive and healthy, and we can’t forget that for a minute, okay? I love you all so much. I hope we’re friends forever. You know the type. That’s me. I am quite hated.

What song will play at my funeral?
Turn of the Century, Pete Yorn

That sucks. I was hoping for “Gimme That Nutt” by Eazy E. Now that’s a song that sums up my existence.

What type of men/women do you like?
Pink & Blue, Andre 3000

I believe my iPod is suggesting I’m a proponent of conventional gender roles, the old-school, white-picket-fence, mom-wearing-the-apron, get-daddy-his-slippers-and- newspaper-and-leave-him-alone-because-he’s-had-a-long-day, Pleasantville-like lifestyle….and that’s true. Women were put on this earth to be our faithful servants. It’s in the bible and everything. I should know. After all, I am the resurrection.

What is my day going to be like?
Against Th’ Law, Billy Bragg & Wilco

Obvs.

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Care to take the quiz yourself? Grab your iPod, set the shuffle and answer the questions. And feel free to submit your results to me, I’d love to see what my readers come up with.

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