UNPROFESSIONAL RETORTS: MY OWN LISTS

By: B

Best songs ever

1. “You Can't Always Get What You Want,” The Rolling Stones

An absolute epic. The beautiful melody, the lyrics, everything. But the reason it's my favorite is the journey. This song is continually climbing, resulting in the most beautiful culmination ever heard in music; a climax like no other. “Can't Always Get” may not be heartbreaking or particularly inspiring, but no song has ever been so powerful.

2. “Fake Plastic Trees,” Radiohead

I grew up with this song, and it reminds me of almost every setback or depressing experience in my young life. I usually listen to this song with my eyes closed. If I'm driving, I pull over.

3. “Wish You Were Here,” Pink Floyd

My musical tastes can be divided into two distinct categories: Before first hearing “Wish You Were Here”, and after. I literally threw away most of my old collection: Boyz II Men, TLC, etc. A new B was born, and a great deal of it can be credited to this Vietnam heartbreaker.

4. “Can't Hardly Wait,” Replacements

So distinct, so tight. The Replacements never fucked around, and there is no better example than “Can't Hardly Wait.” Perfect from the beginning, layers added, there is no better song to hear in the car (Screw off, “Free Fallin'”).

5. “The Last Goodbye,” Jeff Buckley

Buckley could break your heart just by singing his errand list, but “Last Goodbye” is different. He doesn't give it to you easy, not like “Everybody Here Wants You” or “Hallelujah.” Nope, this one takes some time. The melody isn't quite so distinct, so give it a few listens. This will slowly and surely grab you; believe me, it happens to everyone.

6. “The Man in Me,” Bob Dylan

The best Dylan song! Like “Can't Hardly Wait”, it's quick and tight– impeccable production. Check out the perfect guitar and keyboard layers added at the end. Plus, any song that reminds one of The Big Lebowski is given extra points.

7. “Moonlight Mile,” The Rolling Stones

I consistently recognize tears welling up when I play this song (it's my own fault that I listen to it ten straight times). A ballad with an Asian-sounding base, the Stones never made anything so beautiful.

8. “Something,” Beatles

Were the Beatles trying to make me cry? Because it worked. Dicks.

9. “Waterloo Sunset,” The Kinks

Beautiful and serene, I can't understand why this isn't known as one of the greatest songs of all time. Impossible not to like. I've decided to feature this song at my wedding and my funeral.

10. “A Long December,” Counting Crows

I told someone that I thought this song was the “Stairway to Heaven” of the 90s. He promptly laughed his ass off. Still, it's a great song.

Worst Songs ever

1. “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” Paula Cole

This has been my personal most hated for quite a while. Paula Cole is either 1.) the most talent-less pile of crap in the world or 2.) unethical by making a song successful only because people can't get her blackboard-scratching voice out of their heads.

2. “Little White Lies,” Sammy Hagar

I first heard this song and thought it was a hilarious spoof by a radio morning show. I'm all for understanding views of other people, but anyone liking this song should be deported.

3. “Indian Outlaw,” Tim McGraw

Besides a spine-tingling annoying beat, hear are some of the words:

“I'm an Indian outlaw/ Half Cherokee and Choctaw
My baby she's a Chippewa/ She's one of a kind”

“All my friends call me Bear Claw/ The Village Cheaftin' is my paw - paw

"He gets his orders from my maw – maw/ She makes him walk the line”

“They all gather 'round my teepee/Late at night tryin' to catch a peek at me
In nothin' but my buffalo briefs/ I got 'em standin' in line”

I'm speechless. Wait'll you actually hear the song.

4. “The Logical Song,” Supertramp

This song gives the effect of a malfunctioning stereo. You look at your CD player and think, “Are the batteries running low? Music is not supposed to sound like this. Something has gone terribly wrong.”

5. “Come Original,” 311

The phrase “Come Original” was repeated 29 times in 3 minutes and 43 seconds.

6. “Head Games,” Foreigner

Really, really bad. Even worse than the other Foreigner songs.

7. “Owner of a Lonely Heart,” Yes

I remember my stepfather playing this song for me when I first met him. He claimed it was the “greatest song ever.” I pleaded with my mother to break up with him.

8. “Cherokee People,” Paul Revere and the Raiders

I've thankfully only heard this song a few times. I cringed at this part: “Even though I wear a shirt and tie/ I'm still a red man inside.”

9. “Word Up,” Cameo

Just. So. Annoying.

10. “Hand In My Pocket,” Alanis Morissette

This song was a hit during that brief stage in the mid-90s when annoying music was all the rage (This is when Smashmouth was born). “Hand In My Pocket” was huge because it was the most annoying. (Note: Alanis gets extra hatred points because her song “Ironic.” This will be number one on the future list of “Worst Lyrics” because nothing in the song is actually ironic . Alanis claims that it's ironic that a man who was afraid of flying died the first time he boarded a plane. That is known as “unfortunate,” possibly even “tragic.” “Ironic” would be if that same man died in a car accident. Get it? He was afraid of dying on a plane, so he drove instead, but then died. That's irony. Idiot.)

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