World of B

This was a mistake.

Why are we ordering a burger from a steak joint? They don’t care about their burgers. They don’t care about the ambiance.

So, this one is on us. We were in the neighborhood and curious about the burger offerings of steakhouses. We have learned our lesson.

Venue

Though you may not know this, Mike and I are not senior citizens. It’s true. Therefore, we didn’t dig the ultra-quiet lunch atmosphere, featuring one small TV on mute, overly roomy surroundings (old people need their space) and unattractive beer list. Sleepy times at Murray’s. Fans of sensory stimulation: stay away.

Burger

If there is one thing made abundantly clear during our burger tour, it’s that a too-thick patty can ruin the experience. You’re presented with a “pick your poison” proposition – either it’s overcooked on the outside, or undercooked/soft in the middle. No way to do it right. Burger Rule #1: the patty shall never be more than one finger thick.

The Murray’s burger? A full two fingers.

(It reminded us of the burgers grilled by your average baby boomers, a people who, scared to death of food poisoning, grill meat for roughly an hour longer than recommended, so that pork chops are tougher than shoe leather, steaks are only cooked well-done, no questions asked, and burgers are rock-hard burnt meatballs. This over-grilling strategy ensures the food is both safe to eat and, sadly, inedible.)

The two-finger patty meant the outside was charred, the bun-to-meat ratio was well off, and the bottom bun was quickly grease-soaked. Add in some overcrisped fries and you’ve got two bored, disappointed morons surrounded by too many members of the geriatric community. In other words, not good times.

Though we do expect Murray’s to be the frontrunner when we embark on the Steak Tour in 2045.

VENUE: C- // BURGER: D

**********

Current rankings:

1a. Ike’s

1b. Five Guys

3. The Bulldog

4. Buster’s on 28^th

5. Mac’s Industrial

6. Burger Jones

7. Monte Carlo

8. Café Twenty Eight

9. Murray’s

The time has come for us to admit what you already know: this burger tour isn’t just about the burgers. It never was. We’re not claiming it has devolved entirely into a “Good Beers and Cool Place That Hopefully Serves Burgers Tour”…but that’s not too far off.

This admission explains why our tour stops haven’t necessarily been the award-winning burger joints. It explains why Lion’s Tap probably won’t appear on this list. It explains why we won’t be visiting Snuffy’s Malt Shop or anything of its ilk.

It explains why we went to Mac’s Industrial Bar.

Venue

Mac’s is located in NE Minneapolis, just a few blocks from The Bulldog and Whitey’s. It is a mid-sized, older neighborhood-type bar, complete with darts and pinball and a jukebox. Plenty of locals. Lots of TVs. Trivia on Thursdays. Dig it.

(I wasn’t paying attention when trivia started and didn’t know we were supposed to be writing our answers down, so when the host asked “What location did James Taylor sing that he was going to ‘in his mind’?” I shouted “CAROLINA!” at the top of my lungs. I was immediately met with loud, angry boos from the crowd and the host said, into his mic, “You are a douchebag.” Not my finest moment.)

One of Mac’s best assets is their beer list, which is heaven for beer snobs like Mike and me. Surly, Fulton’s, Cane & Ebel, Magic Hat and Founders are just a few of their many rotating taps. Mike and I indulged in too many of these fancy beers simply out of necessity. It’s not like we had a choice in the matter. They’ve got Mojo Risin’ here. What am I going to do, not order one?

Burger

The nice thing about the tour’s lesser focus on the burger is that we can tone down our expectations. Mac’s could have been microwaving Market Pantry patties for all we knew. We were flying blind.

With that in mind, the quality of the burger was a pleasant surprise. We graded it a solid B across the board: flavor of beef, toppings, bun and presentation. Perfect size. Perfectly cooked. You could do a hell of a lot worse than a Mac’s burger.

Further food observations:

– The fries gain points for flavor – you can order ranch or Cajun – but failed badly in the “push test,” which proved many of the fries were far too flaccid. Note to all cooks: no one on the planet enjoys soggy french fries. No one.

– If we were on a Wings Tour, Mac’s would currently sit atop the list with their grand marnier wings. Near perfection.

All in all, a fun time was had at the underrated Mac’s Industrial. Any place that offers solid beer options, good food and entertainment in a comfortable setting is a place after our hearts. We will return soon.

VENUE: B+ // BURGER: B

***

Current ranking:

1a. Ike’s

1b. Five Guys

3. The Bulldog

4. Buster’s on 28^th

5. Mac’s Industrial

6. Burger Jones

7. Monte Carlo

8. Café Twenty Eight

My podcast co-host Mike and I have embarked on a burger tour. Latest visit below. Other reviews are here.

VENUE

Café Twenty Eight is a quiet little bistro tucked deep in the Linden Hills neighborhood of southwest Minneapolis. The building is an old fire station refurbished to give off a home-y vibe. It’s confined to one high-ceilinged room with approximately ten tables. They play no music. There are no TVs. The patrons sip coffee and read. It is the very definition of quaint.

Burger tour co-founder Mike visited Café Twenty Eight a short while back, and, for whatever reason, mentioned our tour to the waiter. The waiter kindly demanded that we include Café Twenty Eight, so, eager to acquiesce, we and guest reviewer Norm paid a visit this past weekend, each of us ordering a Surly (the brewmaster co-owns the restaurant) and a burger, which features grass-fed beef brought in daily from a local butcher.

BURGER

While our review of the venue came down to preference (Mike enjoys quaintness, I do not), opinions over the burger were uniform: average at best. The patty was too thick, which led to some overcharring. The bun was soft and buttery, typically a good thing, but combined with the large patty it became grease-soaked in a hurry. The burger was under-salted. The fries were overcooked and thus overcrisped.

We do give Twenty Eight points for their quality toppings, and for the fresh beef, but there weren’t enough plusses to surmount the minuses. It’s not that the burger was bad, because it wasn’t, it was just…average. Very average.

Sorry, Twenty Eight. We feel terrible about this.

VENUE: C // BURGER: C+

***

Current rankings:

1a. Ike’s

1b. Five Guys

3. The Bulldog

4. Buster’s on 28^th

5. Burger Jones

6. Monte Carlo

7. Café Twenty Eight

My podcast co-host Mike and I have embarked on a burger tour. Latest visit below. Other reviews are here.

VENUE

Burger Jones is located in St Louis Park on Excelsior Ave, pert near our neck of the woods and thus a much-anticipated stop on the burger tour. Could this be our new go-to spot? Might we become the bar regulars as seen in the movies that we’ve secretly always wanted to become?

The good: Burger Jones boasts a top-notch beer list, complete with the rarely found Surly Cynic as well as dozens of other microbrews. The patio is spacious, even if the view of an intersection is less than serene. There isn’t much in the way of ambiance indoors, but why are you sitting indoors, you sun-hating recluse?

Two negatives that need to be mentioned. (1) The music is terrible, unless you like guitar-riffing blues, in which case you are a liar. (2) And most importantly, Burger Jones is damn expensive. A burger and fries will run you about $14 before drinks, which is sky-high compared to most burger joints.

Overall, the venue is flawed but worthy enough to justify potential “regular” status.

BURGER

However, the burger is not. While the meat is high-quality, the surrounding factors sully the overall taste experience. Factors that include:

• An oversized, over-buttered and less-than-fresh bun
• Sloppy construction of toppings (breaking our strict “don’t play outside the bun” rule)
• Too-short, over-seasoned fries

Here’s the thing: the Burger Jones burger is good. If you are looking for a decent burger, you could do a whole lot worse, and have a lot less fun, and drink a lot worse beer. But considering the excessive price and the vastly superior options in the burger realm, it falls well short.

Looks like the “regulars” dream is exactly that, at least for the time being. See you never again, Burger Jones.

VENUE: B // BURGER: B-

**********

Current rankings:

1a. Ike’s

1b. Five Guys

3. The Bulldog

4. Buster’s on 28^th

5. Burger Jones

6. Monte Carlo

After years of begging, pleading, letter-writing and passionate screaming outside their headquarters, White Castle has finally heeded my advice and created a White Castle-scented candle.

This is fantastic news for people trying to cover up even worse smells than White Castle. Does your house smell like curdled milk? Napalm? My balls after a workout while wearing sweatpants and sliding shorts? Dairy farts? An overfilled garbage dump located on the equator? Month-old room temperature raw ground beef mixed with rotten eggs?  Sauerkraut piled on top of a steaming turd? If so, then this candle is really going to come in handy.

(I should mention, proceeds from the candle sales will be given to an organization fighting autism, so perhaps the best thing to do is for all of us to buy a couple of these things for gag gifts or something.)

My friend and podcast co-host Mike and I have embarked on a Burger Tour of the Twin Cities in a quest to find the best burger in the area. Our latest visit is detailed below.

VENUE

No sense fussing around: The Bulldog is my favorite bar. The beer list is top-notch, offering numerous options for every kind of beer lover (including my go-to Surly Furious). It’s got a jukebox with enough variety to please most ears (I dialed up a $5 playlist in mere seconds). Roomy interior, slick design, plenty of brand-new TVs, lots of seating options, great location, sweet menu full of upscale bar food. And most importantly, the best table shuffleboard in the area.

Love The Bulldog. Had our groom’s dinner at The Bulldog.

BURGER

The Bulldog’s burgers are of the kobe beef variety, a noted delicacy amongst many. The meat is both tenderer (apparently that’s an actual word) and more compact than the standard beef variety, and…well, I’m having trouble describing it beyond that. It’s more aromatic? Forget it. I give up.

The menu features about a dozen different burger options, a few of which are food-snob bait, all of which are relatively mess-free and surrounded by a perfectly sized bun. The burgers are lightly salted and barely charred, letting the beef stand on its own.

Result: our group of six unanimously loved the burgers. They aren’t quite flavorful enough to top our list, but they are well worth your attention. And even if you don’t like them, you can shuffle the pain away.

(Oh, and lest the commentariat rip me a new one yet again: THE BULLDOG IS LOCATED IN NORTHEAST MINNEAPOLIS, ON HENNEPIN, JUST HEAD NORTH ON THE HENNEPIN BRIDGE AND LOOK FOR IT ON THE LEFT YOU CAN’T MISS IT. SHALL, THIS IS THE PLACE WE HUNG OUT AT LAST WEEKEND YOU DROVE THERE YOURSELF.)

VENUE: A // BURGER: A-

***

Current ranking:

1a. Ike’s.

1b. Five Guys

3. The Bulldog

4. Buster’s on 28th

5. Monte Carlo

My friend and podcast co-host Mike and I have embarked on a Burger Tour of the Twin Cities in a quest to find the best burger in the area. Expect reviews and rankings during our journey. Our latest visit is detailed below.

VENUE

To describe the scene at Monte Carlo, I’ll need you to envision a house party. You don’t know many people at this party — they’re friends of friends, people you’ve seen around, neighbors, what have you — but you’re expecting to have a decent night. On the surface, the partygoers are similar to you. Plus, it’s a house party we’re talking about here; you know the drill.

Only…this one just never feels right. The party possesses some undefinable quality that feels weirdly off. Conversations aren’t flowing the way they normally do, the nucleus is constantly roaming, laughs don’t come at the time you expect them, it’s just not working. After an hour or so you find yourself ready to leave. You get the feeling that everyone else is on a different drug than you.

That was the scene for Mike and me this past Friday at Monte Carlo. At first blush: enjoyable scene. The spot attracted an eclectic mix of young and old, the long bar area was full of people having lively conversations, all was well…but after a few minutes we were annoyed by patrons one and all. One guy was being an arrogant dick to the bartender, others were standing in front of the TV and not moving, people were constantly swapping conversation partners, there were boisterous laughs after one-liners that weren’t remotely funny…just a weird scene. They were popping pills while we were drinking beer.

For those who prefer a less analogy-ridden review: there is only one TV, the beer list is short and unimpressive, and the vague lounge-lizard vibe ain’t enough to make up for the random clientele. Props for not being boring, I guess.

BURGER

Monte Carlo’s burger is standard in every way: average size, small bun (though a bit too flimsy and thus prone to sogginess) and no interesting toppings or quirks to be had.

Which would be fine, if not for one monumental problem: it was flavorless. The first remark both Mike and I made, almost simultaneously, is that all we tasted was the cheese. If a sliver of swiss is overpowering your burger, that’s a problem. The burger wasn’t bad per se, just lacking in flavor.

(Closed-circuit to Monte Carlo: it’s OK to salt beef. We’ve seen it done.)

Despite the boring burger, we’d be remiss to neglect mention of the real star of the evening: the fries, which rocketed to the top of our list of favorite side dishes.

Most fries, you’re getting a combination thick & soft or thin & crispy. It’s a straight-up “pick your poison” proposition. Not so with Monte Carlo. They presented the best of both worlds with fries that were pinky-sized in thickness yet perfectly, perfectly crisp. Add the bonuses of minimal grease and maximum flavor and you’ve got yourself a rare delight in the world of fries.

They were almost enough to atone for the weirdos and underwhelming burger. That’s no small feat.

Venue: C // Burger: B-

***

Current rankings:

1a. Ike’s

1b. Five Guys

3. Buster’s on 28^th

4. Monte Carlo

My friend and podcast co-host Mike and I have embarked on a Burger Tour of the Twin Cities in a quest to find the best burger in the area. Expect reviews and rankings during our journey. Our latest visit is detailed below.

VENUE

The ambiance at Ike’s is straight out of the 60’s – the 60’s of “Mad Men,” not Woodstock. Dark wood paneling lines the walls and bar, the waiting staff wears old-school serving blazers, the menu is simple and classic, the lights are forever dim. Their vibe of timelessness is upheld through and through.

I got so into the spirit of the place that I slapped our waitress on the ass and got my day-buzz on before heading back to work to bitch out my subordinates about their shitty creative designs while smoking indoors. Good times. Credit goes to Ike’s.

BURGER

The Ike’s burger is a no-frills 7-oz. hand-patty inside a buttery, modest bun. Your burger is cooked to your doneness preference and topped with high-grade cheese if you so choose.

The result: unpretentious excellence. The burger-to-bun ratio is spot-on. The meat is flawlessly charred, and most important, of the highest quality.

Regarding a rank, I put Ike’s just slightly above Five Guys as my current favorite. While the FG burger scores points for being saltier and more flavorful with a better density, Ike’s takes the top spot because it’s less messy and provides a more substantial offering.

Mike graded out FG’s burger as slightly ahead, but when taking into consideration the venue, we’ve got Ike’s as 1a and Five Guys as 1b for now. Close call.

Venue: A- // Burger: A-

***

Current ranking:

1a. Ike’s

1b. Five Guys

3. Buster’s on 28th

My friend and podcast co-host Mike and I have embarked on a Burger Tour of the Twin Cities in a quest to find the best burger in the area. Expect reviews and rankings during our journey. Our latest visit is detailed below.

VENUE

Five Guys is a fast food joint and has no qualms about looking the part. Red-checkered decorations line the bright white walls, the lighting is fluorescent, the burgers are ordered at a counter and the wooden seating is designed to get you in and out in minimal time. Despite the fact that they offer free peanuts, you won’t want to hang out at Five Guys any longer than possible.

BURGER

Luckily, a millisecond after you bite into your burger, you couldn’t possibly care less about the ambiance.

The standard Five Guys offering is of the double-patty variety. It’s salty and boasts perfect consistency, and is completed with a simple bun and your choice of probably a dozen free toppings. Crispy, skin-on, Cajun-flavored fries complete the feast. Mike and I attacked our meals in silence, and didn’t speak up until we were finished. It was that good.

While racking our brains for criticisms, we were able to conjure up just two minor quibbles: the double-patty fare results in a messy-as-hell burger. (Both patties fell out of Mike’s burger at one point near the end; I averted my eyes as he embarrassingly tried to reconstruct the sandwich before giving up and shoving the entire handful into his mouth.) The final complaint is with the cheese, which is very low-quality in nature.

Overall, the sterile environment and messy experience means very little. Five Guys is easily our favorite current burger and we expect it will hover near the top of the list throughout the tour. Get there soon.

Venue: D // Burger: A

***

Current ranking:

1. Five Guys

2. Buster’s on 28^th

Here lies KFC’s new “Double Down” sandwich, in which the bun is replaced with two pieces of fried chicken. For realsies.

As I was saying: no.

My podcast co-host Mike and I have decided to embark on a Burger Tour of the Twin Cities in a quest to find the best burger in the area. Expect reviews and rankings during our journey. Our first submission is below.

The first stop of the tour was a relatively new burger joint called Buster’s on 28th.

VENUE

Located in South Minneapolis near the Hiawatha line, Buster’s is a cozy yet spacious (seating-wise) neighborhood bar. They’ve got corner TVs, a laid-back atmosphere and, at least in our experience, a cool, friendly wait staff.

But really, this is all that matters: Buster’s has the best beer list in the Twin Cities.

Yep, I just went there: the best beer list. They’ve got a couple dozen microbrews on tap, including the full Surly lineup, Fulton’s, Bell’s, Magic Hat, Cain & Abel, Double Crooked Tree and many more.Not to mention the almost 100 bottled beers from all over the world. It is truly a beer snob’s heaven. Further hurrahs: you can get a flight of samples.

BURGER

While the beer selection was far and away its best attribute, Buster’s is also renowned for their burger. It’s a straight-up classic offering; no funky toppings or quirky ingredients. The patty is thick and nicely charred, and though we both enjoyed our burgers, we were turned off mainly by the fact that diced onions were cooked into the patties. As you can guess, those onions: not subtle. Onion haters should steer clear of Buster’s.

Another minor criticism was with the bun, which was a bit too big in relation to the already substantial patty. Furthermore, the place rations their ketchup, serving it to you in a tiny cup rather than giving you the whole bottle. NO. We are fervent ration-haters and dock points off any restaurant that trades in such a dastardly strategy.

Thankfully, our generous day buzz and decent burger helped ease the sting of said rationing. We had a grand time at Buster’s and will surely be making a return visit.

Venue: A // Burger: B