World of B

During an episode of “The Riff” many months back, my partner Mike and I happened on the topic of documentaries and simultaneously raved over how much we love them. Documentaries are almost categorically outstanding, and criminally underappreciated. But you know this.

During our conversation, Mike and I decided to devote a future podcast to discussing our favorite documentaries. The plan was to watch a bunch of docs and reconvene to divulge our rankings.

In the time since, Mike has seen a total of ZERO documentaries, instead deciding to devote his free time to watching the entire “Star Trek” series and attending superhero conventions and writing love letters to the cast of “Dark Shadows.”

So, forget Mike. I’m going it alone. Below you will find my top ten favorite documentaries. (I should note each of these was wonderful and the ranking concept is mostly fruitless. They’re essentially equal in greatness. See them all.)

Honorable mentions:

Jesus Camp (unnerving and sadly predictable film about church camp cults) … Spellbound (surprisingly enjoyable study of spelling bees) … Man on Wire (story of man who walked between Twin Towers on a high-wire in the early 70s) … When the Levees Broke (one-sided but heartbreaking nonetheless) … Bowling for Columbine (ditto) … Murderball (wheelchair rugby team) … My Kid Could Paint That (prodigy artist or fraudulent dad?) … Anvil (real-life Spinal Tap)

Unrankable: The Last Waltz (1975)

The Last Waltz, a documentary about the final concert from The Band, is truthfully my most enjoyed on this list, but placing what is essentially a concert at the top feels like cheating. Sure, there is a decent amount of backstage footage, but this Scorcese-directed movie is all about the music. And holymotherofgod is the music great. Guest performances from Van Morrison, Neil Young, Dr. John, The Staples Sisters, Joni Mitchell and Bob Dylan, among others, make this a must-see (and I mean that in the truest sense) for any fan of rock and/or roll.

10. Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005)

You know full well what this one is about: the rise and fall of Enron. This movie will want to make you track down Jeff Skilling, Lou Pai and the rest of the executives and strangle them to death with their own Hermes neckties. I’m not exaggerating. You will truly envision murdering these greedy, shameless jerk-offs, standing on top of them after and holding up a title belt that reads “I did this for America.” You will love this vision. You will have it often. It will turn you on a little bit.

The film does a great job of explaining precisely how Enron pulled off possibly the biggest corporate scandal in American history (though no one can lucidly explain how the company made money). I saw this in 2005 and again a few weeks back, and it was equally engaging each time.

9. Mad Hot Ballroom (2005)

On the opposite spectrum of the seriousness scale is Mad Hot Ballroom, a documentary about a ballroom dancing program introduced into elementary/middle schools in inner-city Manhattan. The program is just the backdrop for a story about kids growing up in NYC. Enjoyable yet substantive. Fun movie.

8. American Movie (1999)

A classic documentary about a backwoods Wisconsin man and his friends who dream of making horror films, though they have no money, no training, no resources and a hilarious lack of talent. The documentary subjects are full-on hayseeds, yet their determination to make movies in the face of, well, pretty much everything, results in an uplifting tale of spirit and determination. This is America.

7. Capturing the Friedmans (2003)

A spellbinding story of a Long Island family in the 80s dealing with accusations of the father being a pedophile, told via interviews and grainy home videos that capture family in-fighting. The home videos result in an uncomfortably intimate glimpse into the family’s totally and tragically fucked-up lives. Don’t expect to have much fun watching this one. Incredibly powerful film, however; one you won’t soon forget. I got the goosebumps just by typing this summary.

6. The Thin Blue Line (1988)

The Thin Blue Line was directed by the godfather of documentaries Errol Morris, who has been given credit for creating the crime-drama genre so ubiquitous today. (Read: blame Errol for CSI and its ilk.)

The film examines a murder in Texas with two suspects, both interviewed at length maintaining their innocence, and is the first documentary to explore dramatic reenactments to amplify the story.

Dark, chilling, so totally enthralling. (Not to mention effective: this film helped prove one of the suspect’s innocence.)

5. Grizzly Man (2005)

Not much more can be said of this much-discussed documentary about an over-dramatic, Carson Kressleyesque failed actor that decides to devote his life to living with bears in Alaska. (Though “living with” is a loose concept, as he mostly stands about 100 feet away and talks to them as if they are his friends.)

It is equal parts sad and unintentionally hilarious – so, so many laughs – with bonus points for the most obvious ending of a movie since Titanic.

4. Sicko (2007)

I realize this is a one-sided affair (which it’s supposed to be, by the way; arguing that it’s not objective is missing the point), but I felt Sicko was the best from Moore’s catalog because it highlighted an essential yet underrepresented issue. Moore features some of the most heartbreaking stories imaginable in this one, which are worth noting if only because of their importance.

This of course should not be viewed by anyone vehemently opposed to universal health insurance, because Sicko is essentially a biased plea for change. But if you’re able to set aside politics and think in terms of human life rather than economic impact, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a more emotionally affective documentary than Sicko.

3. One Day in September (1999)

I’m sure you have a general understanding of the hostage situation that occurred at the 1972 Munich Olympics. I did too; but until I saw this movie, I had no idea of the intensity or behind-the-scenes political implications of the tragedy.

You probably don’t, either. You need to see this movie.

2. Touching the Void (2003)

Touching the Void is a retelling of the late-80s Peruvian mountain-climbing mission gone awry that has become classic lore in mountaineering circles. Two young men reach a peak that no one else has made, and then disaster strikes on the way down. A rare documentary in that it features almost zero footage from the actual event, instead relying on interviews and realistic dramatizations of the action.

1. Hoop Dreams (1994)

Obvious choice. Possibly a sentimental one. Tough to say. Like I said, these rankings are mostly academic.

It is true that everyone loves Hoop Dreams, and with good reason: it’s simple, eternally relevant, and equally heartbreaking and uplifting. I especially dig the film’s ability to span about a dozen years without sacrificing any depth.

***

Please leave any documentaries that I’ve missed in the comments. I’ll plan on updating my list every so often.

OK everyone, raise your hand if you remember the semi-popular movie “Tropic Thunder” from 2008. Show of hands, please? Raise them up high … huh, not that many. So, for those of you with your arms raised, how many remember the cameo played by Tom Cruise near the end of the movie in which he plays a caricatured Hollywood producer? Wow, just three people left. I thought it’d be more than that. Well too late, gotta keep going with this already tired premise. So: for the last three of you, how many thought that guy was funny? One? Just one person? OK then. The rest of you are free to go.

Sir, I have some good news for you. In what amounts to possibly the most “Hollywood insider” idea of all time, some executive has decided that regular non-showbiz-working folks might want an entire movie made about a character that satirizes a type of person that over 99% of the general public has never met, not once, and couldn’t care less about, therefore making each and every joke or behavior exhibited by him pointless and lost on the viewers, and reiterating the obvious fact that celebrities would rather entertain themselves than offer anything of substance to the paying audience, making this the most masturbatory film in quite some time.

I hope you enjoy this upcoming film, sir. You like watching movies in empty theaters, right?

The universally loved Crazy Heart was close to being a kick-ass movie. All the elements were there. The true-to-life premise, the low-key vibe, the settings, the casting of Jeff Bridges; really, this should have been a no-doubter.

And it would have, if not for the lack of one small yet significant detail: they forgot to show why the two leads liked each other. That’s a vital aspect to a movie that more or less focuses on a love story, right?

We never see a spark, a moment, a hint of compatibility, a modicum of a reason for their interest in each other, nothing. One is an old drunk, the other a boring mom/writer. Their first meeting involves a tense, overly formal conversation during an interview, a conversation that somehow, against all logic, seals the deal. Wooing over, relationship started. Do not get.

The rest of “Crazy Heart” was interesting enough, and props to the most Irish man on the planet Colin Farrell for pulling off a convincing redneck accent, but the movie never recovered from the lack of a justification for the romance. I give it a B- with a sad shake of the head.

The New York Post has reported that a woman featured as the geese-feeding inspiration of Jon Favreau’s character in the abominable film Couple’s Retreat is suing because she wasn’t aware her near-naked photo would be used in such an unsavory way. Yes, this is actually happening.

I’ll let The Awl take it from here:

Yes, it’s true! Every scantily-clad model who is photographed tugging suggestively at her bikini bottom only imagines her picture being used in the most wholesome of manners, perhaps being taped on the chalkboard of a Kindergarten to illustrate the concept of summer, or placed in the locker room of a women’s fitness center to provide inspiration. The idea that a swimsuit picture might be used as a prop for a spank session—and by a fat, elderly person at that—is almost too horrible to contemplate.

We laugh, but I’d be tempted to sue if I were associated with that movie, too.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but apparently the professional association that makes motion pictures will be hosting its annual awards dinner tonight, in which trophies are given out for excellence in various categories.

The association reportedly has this weird tradition in which the award winners are allowed to take the stage and publicly thank a bunch of people for their help or support or whatever. Obviously, no one on the planet could give a shit about the content of these speeches, but since most of the award recipients are former drama majors and misleadingly believe their day job of acting like different people makes them more interesting, they just drone on and on and on for insufferable time lengths, sometimes even crying?

It’s embarrassing, really, and of course this dinner and these awful speeches are nothing any of us outside the industry actually care about, but word is on the street that the association will actually be recording this orgy of rehearsed gratitude and fake applause and they think people will actually watch it on TV. Now I’ve heard of everything.

In honor of this celebration of inflated self-importance, offensively expensive clothing and a sad amount of prying into the lives of people we don’t know and never will and are likely not interesting anyway, I have listed my 12 favorite movies of 2009.

I’ve still not seen Precious or Crazy Heart, so the list isn’t complete, but this weekend marks the statute of limitations on discussing movies from 2009 (unless you’re the MTV Movie Awards, which typically air 18-24 months after year end), so it was now or never. You’re getting now.

Feel free to add in your critiques or favorites in the comments, though both you and I know you won’t.

74. Avatar. My brain tried to sue James Cameron for first-degree assault. I’m still sticking to “in five years, we’re going to be ashamed for liking this movie so much.” We shall see.

12. Anvil. A real-life This Is Spinal Tap that is both depressing and uplifting, and thankfully more of the latter. Good times.

11. Up. Animated movies typically have to be transcendent for me to fall in love with them, and Up fell just short. Incredibly inventive story, though.

10. Michael Jackson’s This Is It. Worth seeing just to witness how lucid Jackson was in his final days.

9. Sugar. Well-researched indie drama about minor-league baseball = a movie after my heart. One of the better sports movies in recent years.

8. District 9. Making a sci-fi flick about aliens battling humans is a dicey proposition, but this one pulled it off by scrubbing the script clean of cliches. The third act was a little too shoot-’em-up for me, but still an intense movie worth a rental.

7. Up in the Air. Smart dialogue and interesting premise, but a few too many holes/shortcuts in the story to be a classic. George Clooney totally nailed the role of “George Clooney.”

6. The Cove. A documentary edited with the intensity of a political drama. Worth seeing if only to debate the implications and fairness of Americans pushing their values on a different culture.

5. In the Loop. Saw this smart, fast-moving, tough-t0-keep-up British political satire a long time ago. I’ve forgotten most of the plot intricacies, but I know I enjoyed every last second of the movie.

4. An Education. A subtle telling of the common “young girl falls for an older man” story. Great script, but not a ton of action. I loved it, but I can begrudgingly admit others might be underwhelmed.

3. Fantastic Mr. Fox. Somehow more human than most of Wes Anderson’s other movies. Funny, clever and a helluva lot of fun to watch.

2. The Hurt Locker. Intense and confusing; exactly how war movies are supposed to feel. This one will stick with you for a while.

1. Inglourious Basterds. Crazy story, tons of action, chockfull of killer dialogue. Quintessential Quentin.

It has been (confirmed: Paul Thomas Anderson is working on a movie about Scientology. Let’s set aside for a moment the potential brilliance of this film — you’ll recall Anderson is responsible for Boogie Nights, Magnolia and There Will Be Blood — and instead acknowledge the personal risk Anderson is taking to create this movie.

To be more specific, I am saying Anderson is probably going to die soon.

Consider the deaths of others who have tried to sully the good name of those Xenu-loving, alien-believing Scientologists. Read up on the many illegal activities undertaken by the “religion” to publicly attack anyone who dare question its integrity. And last, remember the haunting, unforgettable Vanity Fair essay that details the suicides of two people with a history of speaking out against Scientology.

Now, for all I know, the many reports of crimes enacted by the organization could be exaggerated or flat-out untrue. Hell, the movie could be pro-Scientology, for all we know. I’m just saying, when considering all the facts, it might be best to start writing Anderson’s obituary today.

I’m really gonna miss him.

After a long, ill-informed and totally unprovoked rant about Valentine’s Day this weekend, a movie I haven’t seen and never will (so why the rant? Simple: I’m a prick), I was accused, not for the first time, of being a hater of all romantic comedies.

Not so. I mean, sure, I hate the vast majority of them, and yes, even hearing the term “rom-com” causes a full-on hate-shudder, and I fully acknowledge I have a cold black heart that knee-jerkingly resists any perceived affection or earnestness (hipster cred: intact). While all this is true, I can still appreciate a good tale of love.

My proof is below, in the form of a ranked list of acceptable “romantic” movies, presented sans commentary because it’s not necessary, and also because we both know you are getting sick of me.

(UPDATE: This list originally had 22 entries, until I remembered that “Muriel’s Wedding” isn’t really about love at all. Embarrassing. It has been removed.)

21. Reality Bites
20. While You Were Sleeping
19. (500) Days of Summer
18. Amelie
17. The 40-Year-Old Virgin
16. Groundhog Day
15. Knocked Up
14. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
13. It Happened One Night
12. Clueless
11. Before Sunset
10. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
9. The Princess Bride
8. There’s Something About Mary
7. Four Weddings and a Funeral
6. As Good As It Gets
5. High Fidelity
4. When Harry Met Sally
3. WALL-E
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
1. Annie Hall

———-

(PS. I’m probably forgetting a few.)

I highly suggest you take a ganders at the video below, which is an outstanding seven-minute compilation of the movies of the 2000s. I feel like bragging that I’ve seen approximately 80% of the movies featured, but I’m not exactly sure who I should direct said bragging toward. I’ll figure something out.

And before you mention it, yes, I understand that a seven-minute video on the internet translates to something like three hours in human time. Howevs, this one is worth the commitment.

It’s so good, in fact, that I sat through the entire last half even though it’s soundtracked by that horrible “Mad World” cover that everyone seems to love except me. (It makes me want to kill people.) Enjoy, my friends.

(Via)

Here’s the situation: two comedians decided to watch Avatar and then get on their webcams and explain the plot. One dude did it right away, the other forgot and did his a week later while hung over. The result is sure to please anyone who has seen the movie. In other words, every human being ever.

Here’s a question to consider when wondering if you’ll enjoy James Cameron’s Avatar: do you love special effects? I mean really love them? Can they entertain you for three full hours? If so, Avatar was made for you. See it right now. Expect numerous eyegasms.

Patton Oswalt, formerly Spence Ulchin from the sometimes hilarious “King of Queens,” reprises his role as a New York booth-attendant loser living with his mother in the new film Big Fan. Only this time it’s in a hotly anticipated Sundance flick rather than a sitcom.

The plot of Big Fan sounds tough to pull off — a football fanatic deals with stress after getting assaulted by his favorite player — and any film about sports risks alienating fans with unrealistic scenes.

On the other hand, early reviews sound positive, and the director is Robert D. Siegel, who penned last year’s The Wrestler, my far-and-away favorite film of ’08. Conclusion: I’m sold.

I’ll be counting down the days until August 28th, the official release date. Trailer below.

Breaking Away

Think of The Outsiders, with a bicycling competition replacing the rumble. Though it’s dated and relatively corny, I found myself surprisingly pleased with this one. And apparently, it’s something of a classic. Grade: B+

The Weather Man

A dry comedy about a dolt of a weatherman trying to hang with his teenage kids and impress his cranky father, The Weather Man was close to awesome but not quite. Thing is, if you’re trying to portray your main character as a shallow simpleton, you can’t have his narration explaining deeper feelings. And if your point is to show that the main character has deeper feelings, you can’t have him acting like a shallow simpleton. It’s one or the other, and since the movie didn’t choose, the final product was compromised. It had its moments though. Grade: B-

Dog Day Afternoon

Dog Day Afternoon recounts the true story of a daylong hostage situation after a NYC bank robbery gone slightly awry. Al Pacino was pretty terribly miscast (the real bank robber was a teenage bisexual) but the whole of the movie is engaging and real despite the slow pacing. A classic for a reason. Grade: B+

Diner

A bunch of twentysomethings in the ‘50s sit around and discuss their futures. It’s like the innocent, generational precursor to Beautiful Girls. I found it innocuous and rather meh. Grade: C

The Savages

I’m usually a fan of true-to-life, nothing-really-happens movies, but sometimes the spirit of that genre goes too far. The Savages is one of those movies. Life happens, but in such a plodding, disinteresting way that I fell asleep 2/3rds of the way through and had no desire to go back and watch what I missed. Something about Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman as adult siblings dealing with a senile dad. Grade: C

Slumdog Millionaire

Full review here. Grade: B+

Love and Death
Love and Death, a Woody Allen film, is part slapstick, part satire. Quintessential Woody, with a bit of silly comedy thrown in. Not much more to say about it. I’m sure you’ve all decided long ago whether or not you like his films, and while this is one of his better ones, it won’t sway any Allen haters. Grade: B+

All that I knew or cared about Slumdog Millionaire before seeing it last week was that Danny Boyle directed it. Boyle, as you may know, is the brains behind Trainspotting, 28 Days Later and Sunshine (one of my favorites from ’07). I love me some Danny Boyle.

However, knowing the man’s catalog, Slumdog didn’t deliver what I was expecting.

I don’t mean that in a negative way, necessarily. While realizing I sound like a pretentious dick here, I’ll simply say it was simpler than I expected. Easier to follow. With Boyle’s past films, you never knew exactly where the movie was headed, weren’t always sure you had everything figured out. His movies have always been difficult, severe, dense. They were heavy as hell, confusing at times, and more than anything, complex.

Not so much with Slumdog. While the story is a unique one –- a Mumbai peasant goes on an inexplicable run on a game show, interspersed with a childhood love story flashback –- and the film offers a deft combo of tenderness and intensity, the plot progresses in a typical, logical arc. What you see is what you get.

Simply put, Slumdog Millionaire is the first of Boyle’s films I’d recommend to my mother. Grade: B

And if you do, you are hereby invited/required to write a guest review on this site. I have to warn you though, it will be tough to top the New York Times’ A.O. Scott’s write-up:

Frankly, though, I don’t see how any review could really spoil what may be among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made. I would tell you to go out and see it for yourself, but you might take that as a recommendation rather than a plea for corroboration.

See? Like I said, someone needs to go see this movie immediately, just to confirm it really is that comically, historically terrible. I would do so myself, but I already read the spoilers (for god’s sake, don’t click! Go see the movie! Please!) so I have to disclude myself. Damn.

Okay, this is the part of the day where you get up from your computer and go see a movie. Make it Seven Pounds. Do it for me. Do it for you. Do it for all of us.

Here’s a news flash: Hollywood has totally got its finger on the pulse of the conductor who drives the Idea Train smack-dab into downtown Interestingville, USA! Apparently a studio is planning on turning baseball geek Bible “Moneyball” into a full-fledged movie. They’re currently pitching it to Brad Pitt, which is hilarious. I give a 1% chance Pitt is insane enough to take this sure-to-flop film.

Just to recap, Moneyball is about Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane utilizing evolved statistics and taking an altered approach to scouting prospective draftees in an attempt to compete with the big market– oh, there you go, you feel asleep on me. Can’t blame you. Sleep well, dear friend.

Now that I’m alone, I am going to start spitballing some screenplay ideas that the public cares more about than Billy Beane’s unique application of sabermetrics:

- How to become a stock broker

- Soybean farming

- Why Carmex is so addicting

- New Coke: why?

- Ice fishing

- The popularity of “The Rachel” hairdo

- Comic book conventions

- Applying for dental hygiene school

- Microsoft Excel tips

- The woodworking industry

- How a bill becomes a law

- The evolution of the sweatpant

Movie agents: call me.