World of B

After laughing myself to tears while reading through Joshua Allen’s list of favorite tweets of ’09, I’ve decided the best way to share this greatness with the world is to steal paste my favorites below and direct you to the full list. Keep these in mind next time someone bitches about the worthlessness of Twitter (which will probably happen in the next eight seconds or so).

jasonpermenter / I know Thanksgiving’s a few days away, but I just don’t know if I can wait to hand out smallpox blankets to the neighborhood kids!

JephKelley / At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine “gulping” the way I’m doing it. No YOU’RE pathetic shutup do they have beer here play VAN HALEN WHOO

Pat_Francis / Attention all Subway employees! Stop trying to make more than one sandwich at a time… You can’t do it and never could!!!

badbanana / Too groggy from medicine to stay awake. I’ll just clean my rifles and go to bed.

CallMeBez / Why is our baby SO BAD at Jenga?

FakeAPStylebook / Slander is harder to prove, so avoid libel charges by just yellin’ that shit out the window.

ladawn / Just once I’d like to see a realistic tampon commercial, with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.

textism / BEE IN THE CAR BEE IN THE CA

Zaius13 / HEY! What are you DOING in there? GROSS!! That is my CRYING stall! The tissue in there is for TEARS ONLY!

SeoulBrother / Show me on my penis where the bad man touched you.

ScottAukerman / Slow and steady wins the race war

toldorknown / Two words: No, wait—five if you count them all oh god now it’s fifteen.

hisnamesLen / It’s not the silence; it’s the lucidity.

lonelysandwich / Dropping the kids off in the toilet.

tastytrixie / Clarification: I love ugly people, it’s just that I can’t think of a nice way to ask my sister if her friend has a disease of the face.

DieLaughing / I’m just sitting in my van, watching old people through the binoculars, wondering what makes them so creepy.

luckyshirt / Waiting for a breakfast burrito from a place that also serves sushi and sandwiches. So this is probably goodbye.

rolandfox / Just saw Memento, so now I’m hiding notes everywhere in case Future Me has amnesia. The wife did one that said “ur gay & live in Canada.”

CcSteff / The opposite of horny is mexican food. Don’t… don’t touch me.

nostrich / I hate when people in the street shout “leave those kids alone!” Do I look like a fucking Pink Floyd fan? I’m trying to get laid here, dude.

awryone / Takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. Takes an even bigger man to know he’s right and then suck it up anyway because his wife is nuts.

Trick_or_tweet / I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.

alsoyourmom / Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls!

I am pro-Twitter and have been following tweets via my RSS feed for god knows how long, but never joined in the fun. My thinking was that anything I had to say could be noted on this here blog. But due to a combination of curiosity and boredom, I’ve decided to create an account.

Here it is. Follow me, friends.

(Note: this will not affect the WoB. Regularly scheduled sporadic posting will remain intact.)

The first is their “10 Worst Predictions” of the decade. And they weren’t exaggerating: a guy who claimed the iPod would fail, Bill Gates doubting Google, and Mr. Cheney’s tragically incorrect forecast about the Iraq War. Some hilarious stuff! (Except that last one.)

The second is this seven-minute video reviewing all that happened over the Aughts. Even after viewing, I still have no idea how this decade will be remembered. Most think of the technological advances, but I can’t see that slowing down anytime soon. That’s like remembering the 20s for the burgeoning presence of automobiles.

I think, if anything, it will be recalled as the decade we lost shared pop culture experiences for good. Think of past generations: no internet, no independent record labels, a dozen TV channels or less, etc. Many people watched the same shows, listened to the same music, read the same magazines, what have you. Not anymore.

Never before have consumers had so many entertainment options. This is a good thing, but the sharing of these experiences seems lost, forever. Chances are you have no idea who the top-10 selling artists/bands were this year. My guess is you either don’t watch or have never even heard of most of the 1o highest rated TV shows. Do you even listen to local radio anymore? Maybe, but many others do not. I’m a web addict, and chances are I’ve never visited your favorite websites. Again, I think this is a good thing … and it makes the rare occasions of learning you do have a shared experience that much greater … but, still, a big part of our shared culture was lost along the way. (This can also be summed up by saying: there will never be another “Stairway to Heaven.”)

I don’t know where I was originally headed with this, and I’m even less sure where I ended up. So I’ll do us all a favor and stop. Here is the video:

Cheesy yet fun times at the recently updated YearbookYourself.com. Go nuts, world.

I’m only featuring one link for you fine readers today, since it’s chockfull of awesome and contains about a hundred links to further awesomeness within its depths. I’m talking about Reason’s “The Top 10 Most Absurd Time Covers of The Past 40 Years.” I implore you to read, and do so by promising the magazine covers are even more absurd than you think.

Pretty sure this is my frontrunner for article of the year thus far. Yep, that good.

Look here, y’all. One of my homies has gone and started up a website and I encourage you to check that shiz out pronto. He goes by “lattewarrior” in the comments section, he’s a Top Chef expert, and his site is called The Fearless Prognosticator. In his words, the site is aimed at helping you:

• Dominate your fantasy leagues
• Create dynamic mix CDs for your unrequited love
• Make killer foie gras foam and spicy peach chutney
• Improve your personal grooming habits
• Meet fabulous singles (*) who share your interests
(*) mostly dudes

If any of those sound remotely interesting, I hope you’ll give him a read. I promise it’s even worth the usually infuriating forced “read more” step in every post. Considering my extreme laziness, that’s saying something.

Best of luck to you, latte.

…Your plans for the rest of the day. Here’s how to do just that: check out this site, which features some guy named Greg’s “Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You’re a Loser or Old or Something.” Procrastination overload.

First thing to do is scroll through the list and count how many you’ve already seen. This will be a nice barometer of your pop cultural awareness level. (My number is 39, which is so pathetic I might get my blog taken away.)

The next task, of course, is to sit down and click on every link that you hadn’t previously viewed to try to determine your new favorite. This is a substantial request and will likely require you closing the Excel spreadsheet you were previously pretending to work on, or ideally just leaving work altogether. That may seem like a lot to ask, but this is the sort of commitment I require around here. If you don’t like it, you can leave. (Please don’t leave.)

I’ll provide my list of top five new faves here, and invite you to light up the comments with yours.

1. (#50) “Take On Me” the literal version

2. (#40) Scarlet takes a tumble

3. (#35) Leprechaun in Alabama

4. (#98) Tranquilized bear hits trampoline

5. (#43) afro ninja

1. Shop It To Me

Months back, I conjured a business idea I felt was rock-solid enough that I decided against publicizing it on this site. The gist is simple: a shopping search agent.

It all came about when I got my new job last year, which forces business dress attire. I started searching for the required new threads in the online sales bins, and quickly had the thought: wouldn’t it be great to have a site where I could list my favorite sites, note my sizes and the site will send the relevant sales directly to me? Genius. An initial competitive search yielded no results, and I began to explore the business venture in earnest. Why limit it to clothes? How about electronics, video games, even cars? Don’t search for deals – let the deals come to you.

While continuing to plot my sure-to-be-successful business idea, I happened across Shop it To Me, which provides the exact same service I’d been ideating on (though not nearly publicized the way it should). Game over for me. I still think this idea could be expanded and improved upon, but for now, I subscribe to SitM and bittersweetly enjoy the service it provides.

2. Mint.com

While chatting recently with a pal, I voiced yet another idea I’d been kicking around (though hadn’t had the chance yet to research): an online financial organization tool, which would allow you view all your accounts at once. He told me that one already existed, and it was worth checking out: Mint.com. So I did, and sure enough, ‘tis an outstanding resource.

Mint.com allows you to view all your financial balances – banking, investments, loans, credit cards – in the same place, giving you a one-stop source to view your full funding sitchyation. Best yet, every one of your transactions is downloaded and categorized, letting you know that this month, you have spent $450 on “Alcohol/Bars” (or wherever your personal interests may lie).

If you can bring yourself to trust the site with your financial passwords – fyi, all research has shown it to be 100% secure – Mint.com is a daily visit and an indispensible resource.

3. Ipodmeister

I heard about this service a couple months back, and I still have trouble believing it’s legit: you send in 150-300 of your old CDs to iPodMeister.com, and the company loads them on to a new iPod and sends it to you for free. That’s right: free iPod. They make up the profits by selling all your shitty Harvey Danger or Marcy Playground discs to countries that haven’t yet fallen in love with the mp3.

This is an insanely cool idea. I unfortunately can’t participate because I chucked all my jewel cases years back (I’m no packrat), but I plan on stealing CDs from my parents tout de suite. I endorse iPodmeister heartily, with a heaping helping of ‘idea envy’ on the side. You earned it, kids.

Yearbookyourself.com is probably one of those websites that you giddily waste an entire evening on, then likely never visit again. But, oh, what a glorious first experience.

My night was tonight, and I made these:

1956

1968

1976

1988

I’m sure that was about ten times more fun for me than it was for you. Sorry.

You know that good old-fashioned special internet feeling, where you discover a site or writer or whatever that has been around for a while, but you never knew about it, and once you discover it you gleefully waste about six hours of your life thumbing through the archives in pure orgasmic delight? (That may be dramatic. Orgasms are rare during standard web surfing, even for geeks like me. I’m talking two per week, max.) Think back to the first time you read Stuff White People Like, or Dooce, or Life as a Loser. It’s rare, but when it happens, oh good god is it a fine time.

I’m here to report a writer I just discovered (though I’m ashamed to have overlooked him up to this point): Joshua Green Allen. The guy has been around for years, pumping out genius internet content, but I just recently happened upon Wiretap Follies, a website with this mission: “In January 2007 I went into a bar and tried out my new pickup line: “Pretty mama, I’m gonna assassinate that bush tonight.” The government tapped my phone for a year. These are the transcripts.”

Some real hilarity over there, enough to get you in trouble by the boss for extreme procrastination. But the real gem, at least to me, was a write-up I found at another one of Allen’s sites, Fireland. I’m going to go ahead and retype the whole thing here, because it’s that funny and I don’t trust you lazy bastards with the simple task of clicking on a link OK that was unfair I’m sorry here this will make you feel better:

Boy what a time I had in the office bathroom! Where to begin. I go into one of the stalls and see that there is still pee in the bowl. I briefly consider moving to the next stall but that’d be a middle stall, and who wants a middle stall. Nobody is who. So I flush the toilet and it gets going on a very hearty, loud, industrial-strength flush, the kind you can only get in office buildings. I admire its thoroughness.

OK, Josh, so far nothing noteworthy! Your story is delivering exactly zero goods! I know, I know, but just wait! See, here’s the surprise twist: The toilet never stops flushing. It just keeps churning and eddying in its thorough, office-building fashion. And I’m standing there waiting for it to wrap things up but it won’t stop. This roaring flush is locked in an endless loop.

I am of course frozen in terror, unsure how to proceed. There was at least one other gentleman in the bathroom, probably snickering at my mistake of flushing The Toilet That Everyone Knows Is Broken (why else would the previous user just leave his pee in there). Do I make a quick transfer to the middle stall? Do I skulk out of the bathroom and maybe try again tomorrow? (I can do that, you know — I have that level of control over mine own biology.)

Then I’m all: Whatever, let’s do this. So I sit right down on the flushing commode and get down to business. The result: Best shit I ever took.

Check it:

1. The constant flushing provides a nice level of white noise, which covers up all other bathroom-related sounds. This puts the user at ease, minimizing embarrassment and encouraging him to void with gusto.

2. All waste product is immediately whisked away, as if it were never there to begin with. This makes the user feel like a being of pure light, above the petty and corporeal concerns of ordinary men. Special bonus: Hardly time for any stink to get out.

3. The splashback from the neverending flush provides gentle bidet-like action, which users find both titillating and refreshing.

4. Said bidet action and decadent waste of water makes the user feel like a member of a royal family or chairman of some powerful board of directors. The user may find himself engorged with a sense of cruel entitlement, and think less fondly of his loved ones, who suddenly seem crass and filthy.

I was in there for like half an hour. The thing was still flushing when I finally left. I felt dapper and confident. I was a man who could crush the whole world in his mighty fist.

Wow. That’s the best toilet bowl prose I’ve read in, like, forever. Kudos to you, Mr. Allen.

Say, kiddo, are you the type of person that enjoys pulling pranks on friends even when you’re the only person in on the joke? If so, then boy howdy have I got the site for y–

Wait, you don’t? Which means I’m the only asshole around here? Well then, I guess I’m the only one who can fully appreciate nicecritic.com.

Here’s the gist: nicecritic.com allows users to send an anonymous “helpful” message to someone (i.e. please turn your cubicle volume down), or… OR! — and I’m sure I’m the first person on the planet to have thought of this – send cruelly amusing notes to unsuspecting friends and family members, just to see if they peg you as the culprit.

Which is exactly what I did. Here are my results:

To: my girlfriend

Message: “You might want to consider wearing longer skirts/dresses.”

Reason: She works in a stuffy corporate office with a bunch of middle-aged people; I figured this note would possibly fill her with so much shame and embarrassment it would ruin her day. In other news, I’m pretty sure my girlfriend hates me.

Reaction: None, which means she either (a) didn’t bring it up to me because she was so mortified she thought it better to ignore, or, (b) she knew it was me and didn’t find the joke funny at all. Which I can understand. Either way: damn. 0-1.

To: my roommate Norm

Message: “Yelling doesn’t help morale.”

Reason: Norm is the world’s biggest jerk while playing sports, deriding opponents and teammates alike. A normal reaction to Norm losing at something is along the lines of, “You got lucky, you aren’t any good at this game, I wasn’t even trying, oh and by the way your girlfriend is a slut.” Grade-A asshole. Plus, he plays in a softball league so I figured he’d assume this was from a slighted teammate.

Reaction: Norm forwarded me and our pal The Murph the NiceCritic email within about 15 minutes of receiving it, writing “Please tell me one of you guys sent this as a joke.” He didn’t sound concerned in the least. Another failure.

To: my friend The Murph

Message: “Please refrain from slapping people’s buttocks”

Reason: The Murph is a sharp guy, so I figured the only chance I had at tricking him would be to send something totally random and strange. The Murph does not make a habit of slapping asses, far as I know.

Reaction: I hadn’t planned on Norm asking The Murph about his NiceCritic email, so once he did, the both of them figured out right quick that I was the culprit. Guhhhhh.

To: my sister

Message: “Please invest in some odor eliminators for your shoes.”

Reason: My kid sister is a pseudo-receptionist, so a message like this could’ve feasibly come from one of the many people she sees throughout the day.

Reaction: None. Shit.

To: my friend Spoon

Message: “You have a noticeable post-bathroom stain.”

Reason: Do I really need a reason? I think not. If I were on the receiving end of this note I’d drop everything and hightail it to the bathroom. Actually, I might just run to my car and drive home for the day. I was hoping for a similar response of panic from Spoon.

Reaction: Also, none. What is going on here?

***

To recap: My original goal with this exercise was to piss my friends off by making them unfairly self-conscious while at work, but not only did I seemingly fail in that regard, I also lost all confidence in my ability to gauge a humorous prank.

Man. This really, really backfired.

(I wrote this piece for no real reason. It’s not really funny or timely or particularly relevant whatsoever, but I’m posting it anyway. Just because.)

My aunt and I get together every so often to catch up on life and generally shoot the shit over dinner. Because we’re both bookwormish eggheads at heart, the conversation naturally trends toward philosophical chit-chat. Let’s me get my pseudo-intellectual rocks off without friends accosting me for being a know-it-all dick (or at least, calling me a know-it-all dick a bit less often). It’s a good time. We enjoy these dinners.

A popular conversation topic involves today’s technology, and how its advancements have altered our communication patterns (she’s a writer and I, um, have a blog, so it’s a familiar subject. We’re so meta.). Like most people over 30, she doesn’t see the allure in our affinity for posting every last sordid detail of our lives in the very public and eternal internet. I won’t categorically defend that behavior, but I’m fully on board with most of our generation’s communication methods. I eagerly admit to preferring texts to talking and usually take about a week to get around to checking my voicemails.

My aunt’s a sucker for the old school conversation, and though I haven’t yet fully gotten her to join the dark side of interpersonal communication in the tech age, I believe I made a partial believer out of her when explaining how technology could’ve helped a recent problem of hers.

During our latest dinner, while she nursed a hard cider and I a beer, she began to grumble about an upcoming lunch date with an old friend. She had little interest in seeing this friend, and she suspected the friend felt the same. Values changing, interests diverging, differing priorities, all that.

Problem was, neither of them had the energy to break off talks forever. So, they met every once in a while to courteously update each other on their lives and have an agreeable talk before heading their separate ways. Apparently this is a common occurrence for the thirtysomething set. On the one hand, they don’t necessarily want to lose touch with these old friends, but on the other, jeez, lunch again?

Happily, this isn’t an issue for my generation. Because we use Facebook. (You can substitute your preferred social networking site; except MySpace, you pervert).

I am a member of Facebook so people can keep tabs on the general goings-on in my life, and I can keep tabs on theirs. That’s why more and more of us post-graduation people maintain our memberships. Nothing more, nothing less. The writing on walls, the taking of quizzes, joining clubs and playing games are all derivatives of the chief benefit: the ability to check up on someone without actually corresponding with them.

We don’t subject ourselves to awkward phone conversations or stiff meetings for coffee with formerly-close friends. We don’t need to. Want to know what your college roommate or high school best pal is up to? How your friend’s vacation went or the college your cousin has chosen to attend? There’s a painless way to find that stuff out. Doesn’t that sound great? It is. It really is. The older generation may be starting to toe the social networking waters, but we still own the revolution.

Everyone has a stable of folks in their life that they care enough about to want to know what they’re up to, yet not so much that they need to regularly correspond. It’s the nature of life. Very few close friends, dozens of outer-circle peeps. And now, thanks to technology, there is an effortless way to keep tabs on all of them.

My generation may have our issues to work out, but in this one instance, I think we win.

(And yes, the potential irony of me introducing my aunt to Facebook and then never seeing her again is not lost on me.)

Are you homeless and reading this website at your local library? Have a home but zero discretionary dollars? Love free stuff? Just plain cheap? If any of those attributions describe you (Mom, you fit into the first category), then have I got the site for you: TwinCitiesFreeMarket.org.

I don’t recall how I first stumbled across this site, but I’ve looked over the free offerings and have picked out a few choice products for your consideration:

WORKING TOILET
Available: Working toilet – white, nothing special but works just fine.

Beats that hole you’ve been digging in the backyard, don’t it? Think I’m gonna like this TC Free Market.

BROKEN VACUUM CLEANER
Available: Broken Eureka Vacuum cleaner – not sure what happened. Just stopped working one day.

Let me get this straight: you’re offering this free of charge? Get out of here.

EGG CARTONS
Available: Would anyone be interested in empty egg cartons for arts & crafts projects???

What a relief. I have been looking far and wide for empty egg cartons. If not for this listing, I would have been SOL.

RECIPE TASTE NEWSPAPERS
Available: I have 150+ assorted TASTE sections from the Star Tribune beginning from about 1994 up to 2001.

This is why the internet was invented.

GOOD START FORMULA
Available: I have five cans of Nestle Good Start Natural Cultures with iron formula. The expiration date is June 19th on the bottom of four cans and December 22nd on the bottom of the fifth can. Hopefully someone can use them since I use Target Brand.

Just so you all know, this listing was posted on June 17. Act now or die of food poisoning.

WHITE WICKER BABY HAMPER
Available: Small, white wicker hamper with lid.

We’re storing babies in hampers now?

MISC
Available: I have a wood ladder, swings, misc stuff for a swing set. 2 person swings( for kids )

Shoot, you almost had me. However, I’m looking for a two-person swing for adults. Sorry. No sale.

BABY BOTTLES
Available: 3 8oz bottles 2 4oz bottles 2 rapid flow nipple 3 stage 2 nipple 2 stage 1 nipple 3 pacifiers all in good conditon,clean

Nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple.

STEREO
Available: CD player/tape player/radio. Has a 5-disc capacity. Sometimes we have trouble with CD player.

So, the tape player still works fine? Please clarify!

WORD PROCESSOR
Available: Brother Word Processor & electric typewriter with 14″ display monitor. Works and comes with Manual and extra 3.5″ microdisks. Features spell checker, tutorial disk, file format, forms layout, block/copy/delete, insert etc.

I can’t be sure, but I believe this listing was posted in 1992.

CONSOLE TV
Available: This classic 1985 Console Television set is as pretty to look at it is to watch!

So, it’s ugly?

BATTERY FOR CORDLESS PHONE
Available: Nuon NU64 NiCd 3.6V 800mAh. We bought it at Batteries Plus about six months ago to replace the battery in our cordless phone. The phone has since developed other problems. We had to get rid of it.

What are the odds someone reading this site has a use for this exact product? One in ten million? Less?

3″ DISKS
Available: I have several 3″ disks for the taking. Please do not ask me what is on them.

I actually kind of want to see what is on them. Morbid curiosity: a shrewd selling point.

CURB ALERT CLEANING OUT GARAGE
Available: LOTS OF THINGS ON THE CURB 1760 130TH AVE NE BLAINE

Couldn’t you post this every week, in every neighborhood, during garbage night?

WROUGHT-IRON HEADBOARD/FOOTBOARD
Available: I have a headboard and matching footboard that is iron-work with a patina finish.

I have no frame of reference, but I’m envisioning this weighs approximately five thousand pounds.

BLACK HOUSE NUMBERS
Available: I have four, black house numbers. Numbers available are: 1, 6, 5 and 6.

OK, the odds of someone needing these have to be like twenty million to one.

PLYWOOD
Available: Two sheets 1/4″ plywood, each 2′x8′ (this was a whole panel, ripped). Slightly bowed–we just used this for a walking platform before sod went in.

Thank you for the offer, but I get my plywood from nearby construction sites like every other normal American.

TREE BRANCHES FOR KINDLING
Available: About one truck load of medium to large branches for kindling for firepit…already dried out.

Are these people getting paid commission for people picking up their shit? Is this like a contest? Why else would you post tree branches?

PING PONG TABLE
Available: PING PONG TABLE. FAIR CONDITION. PADDLES INCLUDED.

I just listed this so I could share that the contact’s email username is “flirtycurty”.

WOODEN CD HOLDERS – 6
Available: come a get one or all!

I don’t even know what this is.

BIRTH CONTROL GEL
Available: 1 box Ortho Options Conceptrol vaginal contraceptive gel–spermicide. Bought at Wal-Mart, box opened, but none ever used–10 prefilled applicators.

I am not making this up. You can seriously go to this person’s house and they will hand you their open bottle of vaginal gel. But not unless I get there first!

*****

There are actually appears to be a ton of promising free products at the site. Take a look.

Pasted here for your convenience:

June 05, 2008
A-Rod Asks Jeter ‘Is This Heaven?’ While Playing Game Of Catch

NEW YORK—While warming up on the Yankee Stadium sidelines before Tuesday’s game, Alex Rodriguez paused, looked up at the clear blue sky and the thousands of cheering fans in attendance, turned to Derek Jeter, and invoked a classic line from the 1989 film Field Of Dreams. “Hey, Derek?” Rodriguez said, inhaling deeply to convey a sense of wonderment and gesturing woodenly to the thick, green grass below his feet. “Is this heaven?” According to witnesses, Jeter chuckled mildly and then muttered “Fucking loser” under his breath.

Link here 

I’m not sure this story is something you’d call “important” or even “interesting,” but it entertained me for upwards of fifteen minutes last week, so I’m passing it on to you. Here goes.

A couple days back, the people over at Comedy Central’s Indecision 2008 blog wrote a post entitled “How Barbara Walters Saved America From Hillary Clinton’s Thunder Thighs” that went:

The vaginas over at Jezebel just posted this clip of Barbara Walters, who revealed on The View — for the first time ever — that she is sort of responsible for Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits/legacy.

See, before this one time when Baba interviewed Hillary during a blizzard, the former first lady made brazen public appearances in dresses, exposing her ankles and calves and maybe even knees for an entire nation to gaze upon in shocked, disgusted horror.

It was all especially horrifying because, as Barbara helpfully points out, Hillary is… how shall we say… pear-shaped. Shaped like a pear. She’s got some junk in the trunk. She’s smaller on top, heavier on the bottom. She is a lard-ass.

So anyway, thanks to Barbara Walters we never have to worry about seeing Hillary’s lower extremities ever again. Phew!

It just goes to prove that old saying: sisterhood is powerful.

That’s decently funny, right? And more importantly, it was, as anyone with a discerning brain and appreciation for wit can clearly see: satire. A simple joke about Barbara Walters being super proud of herself for advising Hillary to wear pantsuits, as if that actually matters.

Ever the fun-loving sort, the Jezebel folks started ranting and raving like only feminists can, decrying the content as rampantly sexist. An excerpt:

…let’s not even get started on what I shall generously call the “content” of your post. Wow, it’s so creative and original of you to comment that Hillary’s got a big butt in, like, 5 completely different ways! Including “lard ass,” which, frankly, I’m sure you know plenty about since you spend your day sitting on one of your own, trying not to crush your tiny, tiny penis and floppity testicles between your hairy, sweaty lardy thighs while shifting positions to scratch said sweaty lard ass. Did you reach down during one of those momentous scratching sessions and pull out this little dingleberry just for your readers? How sweet, and equally rank.

Dude, go fuck yourself because none of these vaginas (or, we assume, plenty of others out there) will be fucking you any time soon.

The comments following up the post continued in this angry bent, with the few rational comments of the “um, I’m not sure you understand the joke” completely drowned out by the fist-shakers and man-haters. Always nice to see feminists totally meet their “humorless” stereotype. (That sound you just heard is every reasonable woman on earth smacking her forehead.)

After the rant was posted, the Indecision people responded again, by graciously explaining the joke (which was actually written by a woman) and gently reminding the Jezebelles of a thing called “satire.” Which I’m sure made them even madder. Because they’re insane.